Breakie (n.) a discussion of like minds and complementing personalities at a coffee shop, or restaurant; (v.) to share your dreams, problems, heartaches, embarrassing moments, etc. with crazy people.
Yesterday's breakie still lingers on my memory as I happily kill the ants crawling up and down my legs while typing (reminds me of Chase and his Kenneth Uy fantasies hehehe...). I really missed that insane council, and kudos to Leslie, Cherrie and Ate Arvee for finally taking the time for a breather. And yes, I needed a breather too -- even though I don't have dough to bake -- just to steer clear from the myriads of worries clouding my mind.
We had lunch at Gerry's in Park Square, and thanks to my office friends... they made me feel better about my condition. TO LESLIE: Thanks soooo much for taking the time to attend one of the breakie sessions and for accompanying me on the way home. Cherrie and Leslie told me I look good, thanks. I felt much better now, considering the fact that for the past few weeks I was burried in sweat and grime at home, dying with boredom. Being big and bloated really has its ups and downs. I really enjpy their company and it's just sad that I left them in the company, but at the same time I'm very happy for my batchmates because they made it to the top --- almost half of them are already "supervisors" and one is already in the Admin. Good Job, Batch 9!!
As usual, we talked about almost everything under the sun and what's the buzz in the office. At least I'm kept posted on what's happening. Sigh. I feel a wave of nostalgia and couldve-beens popping in my head. Enough said. We'll be seeing each other more, I hope!
By the way... I applied for a new job as an English Instructor Associate at some learning center. Pay is minimum, but it's better than nothing. I really hope I'd be able to make it, since little Ryu is due on September and I have to save, even though I dunno if I really like the job. But again, it's better than nothing.
Issue on tagboards:
Why is everybody trying to change the appearance of their blogs and missing out the tagboards? One example is Abie. Another one is Jem. (the bitch didn't even notify me of her new blogger address... if you read this, better notify me NOW). I asked Abie why (posting the message on the comment corner, of course) and she replied (on my tagboard, how ironic) that she got tired because of anonymous postings. Yeah, she has a point. Should I consider deleting mine too?
Think. Think. Think.
This day is average, although I felt something wrong with Sweetie. Curt text messages, no hint of sweetness. Am I missing out something? What did I do wrong? Hello, talk about progesterone making me extra paranoid?
And then... I figured out. I told him yesterday that IF he has the time to go out, he can check my e-mail for me. Apparently, he already did coz I checked my mail just now. Horror of horrors... the American Playmate messaged me. And so did my ex. Maybe that explains it... geez. That means that he READ my messages, marked them as unread. And he never reported them to me. Where's the trust? No, Mariko... YOU always blow up that trust. Just when it's strating to be ok. I hope I'm wrong.
Mariko, you're messing up again. Don't fuck up now.
Little Ryu is rumbling inside my tummy. Feels funny, though. But I can't laugh, not now, when realizations dawns upon me once more...
I screwed up and it feels not so good.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Wild World
Yeah, baby it's really a wild world.
Haven't written here since I resigned from that company, which is approximately a month from now. Who would? I mean, the computer has been a mess, not to mention that I mess up my life too for the past few weeks. But here's the good side --- I've been staying with Sweetie and we're living in together until God knows when. Maybe up until the baby is born, or longer than that... but I'm not really hoping. I just savor the moment.
What did I learn?
That L-I-F-E is how you make it. And if you decide to BS your way into it, you really end up in a bunch of shit and screw up your asshole. Moral of the story: clean up your mess before the flies swarm into it.
That Sweetie is a nagger. Ho-hum. He likes to nag about a lot of things --- from messy rooms to disobedient siblings, a carefree father and a munchkin little brother. Although I'm starting to know more about him, I don't think that I'm really turned off. IN fact, I loved him more because of his flaws and unpretentiousness. But in fairness, he's really sweeeeet. Makes my knees turn into jelly. But hey-ho... Sweetie's a little tough like me. And way to damn stubborn. Like me.
I really dunno what to expect out of this relationship. Sometimes I wonder, if things had been different, would we end like this? Good side of the story: YIPEE!! He tells me he loves me. I believe him, but a part of me is still hesitant to accept it. Maybe because I'm just being cautious not to give my all, but I know that somehow, I would. Ironically, when things get frustratingly confusing, I just hold on to the fact that I know that he loves me. I love him, too.
That my mom is the most unexplained woman this earth has ever given birth to. No need to further explain.
That it's sooooo depressing to be a bum. That BS pharma company didn't give me any more updates of whether they'll accept a preggy model like me or what. Out of good faith, I told them that I am expecting my Little Sweetie sometime this year. And the usual palusot: We'll let you know. Well, I'll let YOU know, bummers --- you'll never find someone as smart and dedicated and competitive as me, and it's a shame you've let go of a big fish! 'Nuf said.
Where am I going?
None. Still don't know. But I'm hoping that after I see my little angel in September, I'll straighten out my life. Regrets have no space for me. I have to move on.
C'est la vie.
Haven't written here since I resigned from that company, which is approximately a month from now. Who would? I mean, the computer has been a mess, not to mention that I mess up my life too for the past few weeks. But here's the good side --- I've been staying with Sweetie and we're living in together until God knows when. Maybe up until the baby is born, or longer than that... but I'm not really hoping. I just savor the moment.
What did I learn?
That L-I-F-E is how you make it. And if you decide to BS your way into it, you really end up in a bunch of shit and screw up your asshole. Moral of the story: clean up your mess before the flies swarm into it.
That Sweetie is a nagger. Ho-hum. He likes to nag about a lot of things --- from messy rooms to disobedient siblings, a carefree father and a munchkin little brother. Although I'm starting to know more about him, I don't think that I'm really turned off. IN fact, I loved him more because of his flaws and unpretentiousness. But in fairness, he's really sweeeeet. Makes my knees turn into jelly. But hey-ho... Sweetie's a little tough like me. And way to damn stubborn. Like me.
I really dunno what to expect out of this relationship. Sometimes I wonder, if things had been different, would we end like this? Good side of the story: YIPEE!! He tells me he loves me. I believe him, but a part of me is still hesitant to accept it. Maybe because I'm just being cautious not to give my all, but I know that somehow, I would. Ironically, when things get frustratingly confusing, I just hold on to the fact that I know that he loves me. I love him, too.
That my mom is the most unexplained woman this earth has ever given birth to. No need to further explain.
That it's sooooo depressing to be a bum. That BS pharma company didn't give me any more updates of whether they'll accept a preggy model like me or what. Out of good faith, I told them that I am expecting my Little Sweetie sometime this year. And the usual palusot: We'll let you know. Well, I'll let YOU know, bummers --- you'll never find someone as smart and dedicated and competitive as me, and it's a shame you've let go of a big fish! 'Nuf said.
Where am I going?
None. Still don't know. But I'm hoping that after I see my little angel in September, I'll straighten out my life. Regrets have no space for me. I have to move on.
C'est la vie.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Crumbling Crackers
So much for job hunting. Yesterday, I broke my Sweetie's heart and it felt oh so bad.
I already mentioned that I am resigning and I'm tagging him along as well, ne? Well, doomsday is about to come (I call it more of Salvation Day, harhar) and of course we have to have a job ASAP -- y'know, responsibilities, responsibilities! So off we went to Dear Old Mommy and asked for referral. We applied in this big tough pharmaceutical firm, without realizing and knowing what we are getting ourselves into. Of coursed, we passed the qualifying exam (with a combined IQ of 140? who are you kidding, hehe!) and we already passed the 2 sets of interviews. This company is really tough, and we still have to go through a total of 4 interviews -- and so far we already went through the 3rd interview. Was it a blast? I think so, for me. But not for him.
He thought he blew it. I'm really frustrated and sad and depressed for him, but I didn't know what to do. He keeps on blaming himself for being such a bummer at the interview and I couldn't help but be disappointed. I wanted to poke my little index finger at him and tell him that he should be more optimistic and pleasant, but I couldn't. God, how I wanted to console him, put my arms around him and tell him it's going to be ok. But I can't. I just kept quiet all throughout because I know that one wrong line would totally snuff him out. Arrrrrrggghhhh. So much for being idealistic me.
Can't help but blame myself, either. In the first place, I was the one who prodded him to try this out and put my Mom's name as his reference because I know she's a bigshot in the industry and would help him somewhat but turns out the other way. This company has this sick policy that if you're married and both employed with them, one has to go. They can't help scrutinizing the fact that we're "lovers" and jumps into this stupid conclusion that we're gonna marry somehow (which is wishful thinking for me, *chuckles*). Anyway, I think it's partly Sweetie's fault too because when asked how he knew my mom, he told them it's his girlfriend's mother. Damn. If this was another case, I'd be more than happy to accept the fact that he finally had the guts to tell others that (and that would put an end to my eternal question: Where do I stand?) but this is anotehr case. When he informed me what he told them, I didn't know what to say, how to react. I was happy, yes, but I know the truth: I am never his girlfriend and he would never love me. And it would always boil down to the fact that I, Mariko, am just another of his passing fancy. Bullshit.
What was my motive? Why did I tag him along? I wanted him to build a career, wanted to get him a job so he would be able to make his ends meet. I wanted to help him, and let him succeed in life. Nevermind about me. I know I could always fend for my self, but before I go, I wanted him to be in A-ok condition. I wanted to be sure that I'll be leaving him perfectly fine and doing great in his life.
Sigh.
We ended up having dinner in G-belt and talked about it. Talked about some things as well, and perspectives on love and life. Can't help getting hurt from what I knew, but life must go on. I already resigned myself to the fact that after a few months from now I will be a part of his past. Another girl of his past. Another passing fancy, another one who loved him so well.
At least, I got to know him as him. At least, even for just a short time I was able to love him... at least I got Little Sweetie. It doesn't matter to me now where this road will lead us to, but I'll just savor each and every moment I am with him.
The time will come when I have to go. And I shouldn't cry --- again.
I already mentioned that I am resigning and I'm tagging him along as well, ne? Well, doomsday is about to come (I call it more of Salvation Day, harhar) and of course we have to have a job ASAP -- y'know, responsibilities, responsibilities! So off we went to Dear Old Mommy and asked for referral. We applied in this big tough pharmaceutical firm, without realizing and knowing what we are getting ourselves into. Of coursed, we passed the qualifying exam (with a combined IQ of 140? who are you kidding, hehe!) and we already passed the 2 sets of interviews. This company is really tough, and we still have to go through a total of 4 interviews -- and so far we already went through the 3rd interview. Was it a blast? I think so, for me. But not for him.
He thought he blew it. I'm really frustrated and sad and depressed for him, but I didn't know what to do. He keeps on blaming himself for being such a bummer at the interview and I couldn't help but be disappointed. I wanted to poke my little index finger at him and tell him that he should be more optimistic and pleasant, but I couldn't. God, how I wanted to console him, put my arms around him and tell him it's going to be ok. But I can't. I just kept quiet all throughout because I know that one wrong line would totally snuff him out. Arrrrrrggghhhh. So much for being idealistic me.
Can't help but blame myself, either. In the first place, I was the one who prodded him to try this out and put my Mom's name as his reference because I know she's a bigshot in the industry and would help him somewhat but turns out the other way. This company has this sick policy that if you're married and both employed with them, one has to go. They can't help scrutinizing the fact that we're "lovers" and jumps into this stupid conclusion that we're gonna marry somehow (which is wishful thinking for me, *chuckles*). Anyway, I think it's partly Sweetie's fault too because when asked how he knew my mom, he told them it's his girlfriend's mother. Damn. If this was another case, I'd be more than happy to accept the fact that he finally had the guts to tell others that (and that would put an end to my eternal question: Where do I stand?) but this is anotehr case. When he informed me what he told them, I didn't know what to say, how to react. I was happy, yes, but I know the truth: I am never his girlfriend and he would never love me. And it would always boil down to the fact that I, Mariko, am just another of his passing fancy. Bullshit.
What was my motive? Why did I tag him along? I wanted him to build a career, wanted to get him a job so he would be able to make his ends meet. I wanted to help him, and let him succeed in life. Nevermind about me. I know I could always fend for my self, but before I go, I wanted him to be in A-ok condition. I wanted to be sure that I'll be leaving him perfectly fine and doing great in his life.
Sigh.
We ended up having dinner in G-belt and talked about it. Talked about some things as well, and perspectives on love and life. Can't help getting hurt from what I knew, but life must go on. I already resigned myself to the fact that after a few months from now I will be a part of his past. Another girl of his past. Another passing fancy, another one who loved him so well.
At least, I got to know him as him. At least, even for just a short time I was able to love him... at least I got Little Sweetie. It doesn't matter to me now where this road will lead us to, but I'll just savor each and every moment I am with him.
The time will come when I have to go. And I shouldn't cry --- again.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Bring my heart back
Everyday seems more and more hopeless.
Where is the drive? Where is the old Mariko I used to know? She was hidden somewhere out there, in the stacks of boredom and ecstasy piled high in a room of probabilities and impossibilities. I can't believe that all of this is happening to me right now --- suddenly, I am at a lost. I don't know where I am going, what am I doing and who the hell I really am.
Yeah, fuck it. Fuck it badly, man.
What do I really want to do? It's like Shakespeare's "To be or not to be" line, and in this crossroad that I am trying to traverse, I cannot hit two birds with one stone.
Let's start off with the biggest shock of my life:
Today, I visited one of my friends' blog. It has been quit some time since I last posted something here so I was damn excited to browse, browse and browse. And lo and behold! HE posted something in the tagboard of the dear ol' friend. Fuck, man. The last thing I wanted is for him to find out about THIS blog. I don't want him to know how I feel. Princess Tutu, some shit this is! And who's the "Angelica" who posted something on the tagboard? Uh-oh. I don't wanna be paranoid, but it's eating me up...
Next ---
I'm resigning. Good Lord Gracious, I want my ass out badly on that goddamn company. Lord, I know I'm not a good girl but please don't let me stay in that hell anymore. I've had enough mental, emotional and physical torture and the last thing I wanted is to let my dreams crumble away in the fires of that office. Dante's Inferno would be put to shame by that company. I still haven't talked to Dear Miss Team Manager yet, and I do hope she agrees.
Every day that I have a shift, I have to literally drag myself out of bed. And I always don't feel good. The demons in that office are worse than I am. Please please please I want to be out. As much as possible, I want to be out NOW.
Little Sweetie.
The darn little munchkin is eating me up alive! I developed this habit of watching those cheesy soaps in Channel 2 and believe me, it must be those raging hormones that drive my tears to above sea level. There are times when I hate Little Sweetie, but there are times when I would succumb to the thought of taking care of him and cherishing him. Well, I think it depends on the way the father treats me. And speaking of which, lately I don't think that he treats me okay. I understand that he has more important things to do than sit up, cuddle up and do those fuzzy wuzzy shit but oh well.
How long would you sacrifice, Mariko? You've always been the self-sacrificing devil that you are, always believing in ever-afters and silver stars. Moonbeams are not from the moon, my dear. And don't expect that all the missing pieces of your lost heart will be returned to you. If you must, you should continue living alone and dance in the infinite sadness of the song that plays in your head.
I don't know where all this is leading to. Maybe he already knows. I wanted to prove that I am strong, but deep inside I am weak. My strength comes from the knowledge that I must continue to fight, half the battle is not yet won. This is just the beginning, and I already lost myself completely.
Bring me back my heart.
Where is the drive? Where is the old Mariko I used to know? She was hidden somewhere out there, in the stacks of boredom and ecstasy piled high in a room of probabilities and impossibilities. I can't believe that all of this is happening to me right now --- suddenly, I am at a lost. I don't know where I am going, what am I doing and who the hell I really am.
Yeah, fuck it. Fuck it badly, man.
What do I really want to do? It's like Shakespeare's "To be or not to be" line, and in this crossroad that I am trying to traverse, I cannot hit two birds with one stone.
Let's start off with the biggest shock of my life:
Today, I visited one of my friends' blog. It has been quit some time since I last posted something here so I was damn excited to browse, browse and browse. And lo and behold! HE posted something in the tagboard of the dear ol' friend. Fuck, man. The last thing I wanted is for him to find out about THIS blog. I don't want him to know how I feel. Princess Tutu, some shit this is! And who's the "Angelica" who posted something on the tagboard? Uh-oh. I don't wanna be paranoid, but it's eating me up...
Next ---
I'm resigning. Good Lord Gracious, I want my ass out badly on that goddamn company. Lord, I know I'm not a good girl but please don't let me stay in that hell anymore. I've had enough mental, emotional and physical torture and the last thing I wanted is to let my dreams crumble away in the fires of that office. Dante's Inferno would be put to shame by that company. I still haven't talked to Dear Miss Team Manager yet, and I do hope she agrees.
Every day that I have a shift, I have to literally drag myself out of bed. And I always don't feel good. The demons in that office are worse than I am. Please please please I want to be out. As much as possible, I want to be out NOW.
Little Sweetie.
The darn little munchkin is eating me up alive! I developed this habit of watching those cheesy soaps in Channel 2 and believe me, it must be those raging hormones that drive my tears to above sea level. There are times when I hate Little Sweetie, but there are times when I would succumb to the thought of taking care of him and cherishing him. Well, I think it depends on the way the father treats me. And speaking of which, lately I don't think that he treats me okay. I understand that he has more important things to do than sit up, cuddle up and do those fuzzy wuzzy shit but oh well.
How long would you sacrifice, Mariko? You've always been the self-sacrificing devil that you are, always believing in ever-afters and silver stars. Moonbeams are not from the moon, my dear. And don't expect that all the missing pieces of your lost heart will be returned to you. If you must, you should continue living alone and dance in the infinite sadness of the song that plays in your head.
I don't know where all this is leading to. Maybe he already knows. I wanted to prove that I am strong, but deep inside I am weak. My strength comes from the knowledge that I must continue to fight, half the battle is not yet won. This is just the beginning, and I already lost myself completely.
Bring me back my heart.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
The Look of Love...
...is in my eyes ---I can hardly wait to hold him, feel my arms around him.
Can't help staring at the man sleeping on my bed. And yes, this is like a fairytale come true. Here I am, typing my fingers away on my crunchy keyboards, hoping that he wouldn't wake.
Sigh.
This is too good to be true.
I'm looking again at him, mee-oh-my-oh! I really can't help myself. He's like Apollo on the bed of Venus (which is me, ahem!) and there he lies in his sleep... I can go on forever ranting about this, citing words of wisdom from the aged fables and myths, comparing him to the numerous gods gracing every religion's pantheon.
Another sigh.
He's sooo... soooo... words cannot even describe him. I am left speechless on how to describe the way he looks while he sleeps peacefully on MY bed. Hah! Full of reclamation and possession, yes I am! This is the man who will father my child, the man who will return my passionate kisses, the man who will embrace me on those cold dark nights. The man who will love me in return.
The same man who is the crux of all my fears, my insecurities and tears. The same man whom I cried over these past few months. The same man who, I never see the future with. Perhaps. The future is always vague, and unless I rely on my divination talents again, I can never know.
And there, he sleeps on my bed. The man of my dreams is caught up in his own dreams. Am I the one in it... or is it somebody else...?
Here I go again with my paranoia.
He looks so handsome against the white sheets, the gentle wind from the airconditioning making his hair dance like grass on the hillside. Can't help sighing and staring at this man on my bed. Some will say that I am a lucky girl --- a big catch huh. But no. I don't think so... if only things are different, then I'd consider myself as lucky.
If only he'd tell me (even as a mumble in his sleep) what he thinks or feels for me, then I'll stop this non-sense.
I'll continue to look at him, stare at him while he sleeps. I'll continue to feel his breath against my cheeks as I lay next to him later. Tonight, he's all mine.
I love you. Perhaps I really do. Can you see it in my eyes, Sweetie?
Can't help staring at the man sleeping on my bed. And yes, this is like a fairytale come true. Here I am, typing my fingers away on my crunchy keyboards, hoping that he wouldn't wake.
Sigh.
This is too good to be true.
I'm looking again at him, mee-oh-my-oh! I really can't help myself. He's like Apollo on the bed of Venus (which is me, ahem!) and there he lies in his sleep... I can go on forever ranting about this, citing words of wisdom from the aged fables and myths, comparing him to the numerous gods gracing every religion's pantheon.
Another sigh.
He's sooo... soooo... words cannot even describe him. I am left speechless on how to describe the way he looks while he sleeps peacefully on MY bed. Hah! Full of reclamation and possession, yes I am! This is the man who will father my child, the man who will return my passionate kisses, the man who will embrace me on those cold dark nights. The man who will love me in return.
The same man who is the crux of all my fears, my insecurities and tears. The same man whom I cried over these past few months. The same man who, I never see the future with. Perhaps. The future is always vague, and unless I rely on my divination talents again, I can never know.
And there, he sleeps on my bed. The man of my dreams is caught up in his own dreams. Am I the one in it... or is it somebody else...?
Here I go again with my paranoia.
He looks so handsome against the white sheets, the gentle wind from the airconditioning making his hair dance like grass on the hillside. Can't help sighing and staring at this man on my bed. Some will say that I am a lucky girl --- a big catch huh. But no. I don't think so... if only things are different, then I'd consider myself as lucky.
If only he'd tell me (even as a mumble in his sleep) what he thinks or feels for me, then I'll stop this non-sense.
I'll continue to look at him, stare at him while he sleeps. I'll continue to feel his breath against my cheeks as I lay next to him later. Tonight, he's all mine.
I love you. Perhaps I really do. Can you see it in my eyes, Sweetie?
Friday, February 04, 2005
Morning Sickness
Yes, I'm experiencing them now.
I wanted to puke and let out all of the things I ate --- let's see --- the ground beef California Burrito from yesterday's pig-out in Mexicali, the Spam sandwich i made at breakfast, the sour cream and onion-flavored chips my little Munchkin and I were gorging on a few minutes ago...
Ugh. I hate this feeling!
What's more, I am suffering from hunger pangs and whenever I eat, I feel like throwing up an hour after! And, not to mention the dizziness that is constantly tagging at my head... I can't even see clearly the letter I'm typing, dammit. I feel so lazy, so immobile, so... *sigh*
I wish he's here to comfort me, tell me that he's sorry that I am experiencing all this shit and assure me he'd be there always... but hell, no. Not even a text message from the sperm donor.
Thanks so much. Where the heck are you, anyway? I want my green mangoes dipped in salt and sugar right away.
I want to cry. Part of the hormonal changes, I suppose. Again, thoughts swimming like piranhas in my head, ripping off my brain cells. I just put down the phone, after an hour of girl chat with soon-to-be godmother Blowfish. I want to run like crazy, stalk my Ex-bfs and then cry and sleep. Tonight, I'm coming again to work (after 4 days of total bumming) and I'm not in the mood. Must make up some lame excuse again, ho-hum.
I'm going through my messages again in my cellphone. A message from last night's Sweetie was forgotten to be deleted. I looked over it again and again.. should I erase this now?
"Ah, ok... Cge sleep tyt & swt dreams. Miss u po"
(He was asking me about my day, so I gave him a rundown of what I did and told him I'm gonna sleep coz I'm reallyyyyy dizzy. Then came this reply. Haha.)
Gave me the jittery-jellybeany-wateryknees feeling again. He missed me? Amazing. Can't help but smile. No, I wouldn't delete this message yet, I want to savor each and every word.
I miss you too, sweetie.
I wanted to puke and let out all of the things I ate --- let's see --- the ground beef California Burrito from yesterday's pig-out in Mexicali, the Spam sandwich i made at breakfast, the sour cream and onion-flavored chips my little Munchkin and I were gorging on a few minutes ago...
Ugh. I hate this feeling!
What's more, I am suffering from hunger pangs and whenever I eat, I feel like throwing up an hour after! And, not to mention the dizziness that is constantly tagging at my head... I can't even see clearly the letter I'm typing, dammit. I feel so lazy, so immobile, so... *sigh*
I wish he's here to comfort me, tell me that he's sorry that I am experiencing all this shit and assure me he'd be there always... but hell, no. Not even a text message from the sperm donor.
Thanks so much. Where the heck are you, anyway? I want my green mangoes dipped in salt and sugar right away.
I want to cry. Part of the hormonal changes, I suppose. Again, thoughts swimming like piranhas in my head, ripping off my brain cells. I just put down the phone, after an hour of girl chat with soon-to-be godmother Blowfish. I want to run like crazy, stalk my Ex-bfs and then cry and sleep. Tonight, I'm coming again to work (after 4 days of total bumming) and I'm not in the mood. Must make up some lame excuse again, ho-hum.
I'm going through my messages again in my cellphone. A message from last night's Sweetie was forgotten to be deleted. I looked over it again and again.. should I erase this now?
"Ah, ok... Cge sleep tyt & swt dreams. Miss u po"
(He was asking me about my day, so I gave him a rundown of what I did and told him I'm gonna sleep coz I'm reallyyyyy dizzy. Then came this reply. Haha.)
Gave me the jittery-jellybeany-wateryknees feeling again. He missed me? Amazing. Can't help but smile. No, I wouldn't delete this message yet, I want to savor each and every word.
I miss you too, sweetie.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Out of Town Trips
The Gang's on the loose...
Bringing back those good ol' out of town memories...
And me clutching onto that red wine like holding for dear life. My oh my! What could be better on days like this (you know, when you're bumming around the house, waiting for something to happen) than to browse through your hard disk and find these pics stashed somewhere in the computer's memory? Harhar. Save the last glass for me.
I just remember those days when the gang ( Blowfish and the "boyfie", me and the... erhmm.. friend ) used to have those mini out-of-town gigs which always turn out to be some sort of overnight escapades. A good way of de-stressing and hieing off away from the non-stop calls. We would have fun together, go somewhere different, stop at gas stations to grab something to eat then pose for the camera to say hi and capture those moments. YEah, believe me... Kodak would run out of business if we say "cheese"... I just miss those days.
I can't find anything nice (nice???) and meaningful to do today, except to bum around the house, wait for my Mom to scream the magic words at me, and take care of my little munchkin (who is, by the way, hovering like a crazy Mohican in the sala). SO here I am, eager and decided to update my blog -- finally. I still have hang-ups from HIS last night's visit (you DEFINITELY know who I'm talking about, ne?) and don't forget the kisses and the warm hugs and soft cuddles and the passionate lovemaking in-between. I was, again, tempted to tell him that I love him (what?? I now do?? -- Yes, you do...) but, as always, I shut up. This is not yet the right time, the voice in my head tells me. But yet, another little voice keeps telling me that I tell him now. It's now or never.
Whatever.
For the meantime, I wouldn't think about it yet. He may not tell me, but I can feel it.
And yes, I sneaked again today. I hacked into his account and read messages from his Great Ex. Great, Mariko. Just great. And yes, I cried. Ignorance is indeed bliss. I shouldn't have done it. Curiosity killed the cat. I always do that --- and it's me who cries in the end, reprimanding myself for being such a snoop, and scolding myself endlessly for being such a sentimental little fool. Yes, I know that past is past... but... well how do I put it? I was just not ready. Not ready to see those messages that still haunt me, echoing through my eyes and ears like a maniac playing his Violin with a strange technique. Opus of the Demons.
And those demons are still mine.
They always are my demons, and I cannot exorcise them out of my system. Not yet. I just wanted to know where I stand, and where I'd go next before I finally extinguish the flames of hell that are torturing me madly, deeply.
Those messages still sting, and I know that I could never compare to his Great Ex, and can't help thinking if he looks at me the way he looked at her... if he would say the same to me if I go and leave, the same thing that he told her. If he would love me as much as he loved her, or even more... or am I just another lovesick fool with a bitter heart and a weary soul, trying to find salvation in the arms of a not-so-sure-I'm-still-on-a-rebound man?
Here I go again with my musings. It's a bright sunny day today.. I should be out prancing and dancing in the sunshine... but here I am, stuck in my room, thoughts swimming through my head.
This is not good for my little sweetie. Where are you Yang? I need a chocolate bar and lots of assurance.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Mee-Oh-My-Oh
Bye Bye, Mr M...
He's finally out of my life --- thanks to the sweet little text the new girlfriend sent me, harharhar. That's all I wanted to know and all I wanted to hear, to satisfy my inner curiosity and demons. For all the things we went through together, Thanks. I owe you one, my dear Mr M. But don't worry, life doesn't end here. This is just the beginning... I still hold the Ace. Harharhar.
Apparently, and very obviously --- you're on the rebound. Yeah, savor the moment while it lasts, you little bitch. And then, come home to momma.
Harharhar.
Expecting the Unexpected.
My sister Yang. What else? I do not only miss the pretty thing, but I am also looking forward to the next happening and girl bonding that we have.
And yes, I know that she will be there to take of my little sweety. Another harharhar. What else could be sweeter than to expect the unexpected?
Under The Sea Creatures.
My friend blowfish is having some serious pros-and-cons wondering about the "boyfie" (Is he, really?). We need to talk and straighten out some things, and this calls for a long session of girl talk and bonding --- should I take out the hankies and the cigs? Nah... the hankies, perhaps, but not the cigs. As per Paul: I'm starting on CLEAN LIVING.
Lovesick Daisies.
And roses. And lavenders. Whatever. The eternal question of What-ifs still hang on the other side of the cliff, but for the meantime, I don't really care. I'm busy contemplating about some serious things... like shoving my fist up my ass for not being a thinking, smart little bitch that I am. Yeah yeah yeah... save the pineapples for Hitler.
He's finally out of my life --- thanks to the sweet little text the new girlfriend sent me, harharhar. That's all I wanted to know and all I wanted to hear, to satisfy my inner curiosity and demons. For all the things we went through together, Thanks. I owe you one, my dear Mr M. But don't worry, life doesn't end here. This is just the beginning... I still hold the Ace. Harharhar.
Apparently, and very obviously --- you're on the rebound. Yeah, savor the moment while it lasts, you little bitch. And then, come home to momma.
Harharhar.
Expecting the Unexpected.
My sister Yang. What else? I do not only miss the pretty thing, but I am also looking forward to the next happening and girl bonding that we have.
And yes, I know that she will be there to take of my little sweety. Another harharhar. What else could be sweeter than to expect the unexpected?
Under The Sea Creatures.
My friend blowfish is having some serious pros-and-cons wondering about the "boyfie" (Is he, really?). We need to talk and straighten out some things, and this calls for a long session of girl talk and bonding --- should I take out the hankies and the cigs? Nah... the hankies, perhaps, but not the cigs. As per Paul: I'm starting on CLEAN LIVING.
Lovesick Daisies.
And roses. And lavenders. Whatever. The eternal question of What-ifs still hang on the other side of the cliff, but for the meantime, I don't really care. I'm busy contemplating about some serious things... like shoving my fist up my ass for not being a thinking, smart little bitch that I am. Yeah yeah yeah... save the pineapples for Hitler.
Friday, January 14, 2005
Break Away
From having goosebumps to teary eyes, I realized one thing.
The best gift of time is taking it slow, without any expectations at all. To expect something in return would only harvest you further disappointments, and not to mention heartaches. Moral of the story: Let it be, let it be. Whatever will be, will be. There is a time and a season for everything, don't rush into things.
What are you most afraid of.
Just the other day, before our San Pablo stint, Blowfish finally confirmed my fears of a recent premonition. The "rival" and her bf finally called it quits, and what did little Miss Pink Panty do? Cried, yelped, panicked and cried some more. I even shed a couple of tears in the lockers, thanks to my imaginary friend Raechie and my gay boyfriend Chase who comforted me with words of encouragement. "Lahat ng tao tanga, Angge. Sige kung diyan ka magpapakasaya sa pagiging tanga, then go!" Thanks, Chase. I love my gay boyfriend. Always there to give me the oompph and the lift when I'm down. And yes, my dear... don't worry because I am happy with being stupid. I didn't tell them though the reason why I was crying. Only Blowfish knew... the era of Miss Pink Panty is close to its end. Hello, Judgement Day!
Lovesick Daisy.
Finally, Maier has added the final touches to her blog, kudos to you, girl! I miss my sister so much, and we don't have the time to shop and smoke and have coffee and annoy people together anymore, huhuhu... We still have a pending Red Box gig, and I sure am looking forward to it! Read her blog, and a line there touched me: "I am not going to be a lovesick daisy anymore". Way to go, girl! You're right, WE shouldn't be lovesick daisies anymore. WE should continue to live on our own, without thinking about those fuckin' boys who made us cry. And yeah, quit the Rockstar thing. He's not worth you at all. As for me... maybe I should stop being a lovesick daisy, but for the meantime, let me indulge in some more bittersweet chocolate cake before I finally lick off the icing from my fingers.
Cleaning the clutter.
Last Tuesday I cleaned my room and my closet and discovered the clutter that has evolved into trash. Symbolic of my cluttered life, yeah. So I cleaned 'em out and finally organized my closet, thank God. Bye bye Fruit Salad (I call my closet Fruit Salad because my clothes are REALLY disoriented, believe me). It felt so good, seeing that my room is clean and my clothes arranged neatly. I have discovered long-lost mementos from College and pictures of ex-boyfriends. How I miss my College friends... wish I'm back in school. Wish I could live my life again so I would be able to straighten out some things and issues. But well, no regrets. I only regret the things that I didn't do, but for all the things I have done, I loved them all.
Haircut.
Got a haircut and think it suits me, but how I miss my long, wavy hair. Oh well, at least they don't give me a hard time anymore whenever I give a blow job, haha.
The Sweetie, The Purple Dino and Mr M.
To all of you, you fools... I am starting to reorganize my life and you are the most fantastic thing that has ever happened to me. It started with The Purple Dino, then along came Mr M and now the culmination is with The Sweetie. You broke my heart, cheated on me and made me cry. I broke your heart, cheated on you and made you cry. We're just quits. Life is a foolish game, and if you gamble and lost, then play again. I finally mastered the art of holding back, and this time, I assure you... the next time I will love again, I'm gonna make sure it will last.
And no, the issue with The Sweetie isn't through yet. But like I told Blowfish, I am savoring it as long as it is here because my era is soon coming to its end. Damn. Why do I have psychic powers?
The Elements.
We went to San Pablo with Blowfish and Carlo and swam in a man-made ice-cold pool. And that was where I realized that I can discover my Path once again. I was a lost sheep, and now I am back in the business. Hail to thee, hail to thee! I was too caught up in my own world and materiality that I forgot who I am and what I was here for. Spirit has a way with things, and I am so thankful that I was there. I did not only get the chance to spend quality time with my friends and with myself, but it made me a stronger and calmer person. Om Shanti.
Dynastic Cycle.
And if my era is ending soon, I am not thinking more of it. I am creating my own fears and feeding it with all my negativity. Think of light, think of beauty, think of love. I work magic with my thoughts, and if I think more that it will happen, then it will be. Just be positive, and everything will turn out right. If he is not for me, then let him go. Some soul is out there to complete you. And life is just like that. We go round and round in circles. The only way to break free is to learn from your mistakes and move on. Live like there is no tomorrow. And then, break away.
The best gift of time is taking it slow, without any expectations at all. To expect something in return would only harvest you further disappointments, and not to mention heartaches. Moral of the story: Let it be, let it be. Whatever will be, will be. There is a time and a season for everything, don't rush into things.
What are you most afraid of.
Just the other day, before our San Pablo stint, Blowfish finally confirmed my fears of a recent premonition. The "rival" and her bf finally called it quits, and what did little Miss Pink Panty do? Cried, yelped, panicked and cried some more. I even shed a couple of tears in the lockers, thanks to my imaginary friend Raechie and my gay boyfriend Chase who comforted me with words of encouragement. "Lahat ng tao tanga, Angge. Sige kung diyan ka magpapakasaya sa pagiging tanga, then go!" Thanks, Chase. I love my gay boyfriend. Always there to give me the oompph and the lift when I'm down. And yes, my dear... don't worry because I am happy with being stupid. I didn't tell them though the reason why I was crying. Only Blowfish knew... the era of Miss Pink Panty is close to its end. Hello, Judgement Day!
Lovesick Daisy.
Finally, Maier has added the final touches to her blog, kudos to you, girl! I miss my sister so much, and we don't have the time to shop and smoke and have coffee and annoy people together anymore, huhuhu... We still have a pending Red Box gig, and I sure am looking forward to it! Read her blog, and a line there touched me: "I am not going to be a lovesick daisy anymore". Way to go, girl! You're right, WE shouldn't be lovesick daisies anymore. WE should continue to live on our own, without thinking about those fuckin' boys who made us cry. And yeah, quit the Rockstar thing. He's not worth you at all. As for me... maybe I should stop being a lovesick daisy, but for the meantime, let me indulge in some more bittersweet chocolate cake before I finally lick off the icing from my fingers.
Cleaning the clutter.
Last Tuesday I cleaned my room and my closet and discovered the clutter that has evolved into trash. Symbolic of my cluttered life, yeah. So I cleaned 'em out and finally organized my closet, thank God. Bye bye Fruit Salad (I call my closet Fruit Salad because my clothes are REALLY disoriented, believe me). It felt so good, seeing that my room is clean and my clothes arranged neatly. I have discovered long-lost mementos from College and pictures of ex-boyfriends. How I miss my College friends... wish I'm back in school. Wish I could live my life again so I would be able to straighten out some things and issues. But well, no regrets. I only regret the things that I didn't do, but for all the things I have done, I loved them all.
Haircut.
Got a haircut and think it suits me, but how I miss my long, wavy hair. Oh well, at least they don't give me a hard time anymore whenever I give a blow job, haha.
The Sweetie, The Purple Dino and Mr M.
To all of you, you fools... I am starting to reorganize my life and you are the most fantastic thing that has ever happened to me. It started with The Purple Dino, then along came Mr M and now the culmination is with The Sweetie. You broke my heart, cheated on me and made me cry. I broke your heart, cheated on you and made you cry. We're just quits. Life is a foolish game, and if you gamble and lost, then play again. I finally mastered the art of holding back, and this time, I assure you... the next time I will love again, I'm gonna make sure it will last.
And no, the issue with The Sweetie isn't through yet. But like I told Blowfish, I am savoring it as long as it is here because my era is soon coming to its end. Damn. Why do I have psychic powers?
The Elements.
We went to San Pablo with Blowfish and Carlo and swam in a man-made ice-cold pool. And that was where I realized that I can discover my Path once again. I was a lost sheep, and now I am back in the business. Hail to thee, hail to thee! I was too caught up in my own world and materiality that I forgot who I am and what I was here for. Spirit has a way with things, and I am so thankful that I was there. I did not only get the chance to spend quality time with my friends and with myself, but it made me a stronger and calmer person. Om Shanti.
Dynastic Cycle.
And if my era is ending soon, I am not thinking more of it. I am creating my own fears and feeding it with all my negativity. Think of light, think of beauty, think of love. I work magic with my thoughts, and if I think more that it will happen, then it will be. Just be positive, and everything will turn out right. If he is not for me, then let him go. Some soul is out there to complete you. And life is just like that. We go round and round in circles. The only way to break free is to learn from your mistakes and move on. Live like there is no tomorrow. And then, break away.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Baby Girl...
He asked me if --- take note --- IF I already had sex with "him".
And this, my dear friends, is a bird's eye view of how Mr M thinks. My blog has finally robbed him of his senses and slowly poisoned his already vile blood and mind! Two syllables, baby: Ha. Ha. He was referring to "him" as The Sweetie of course... and up until now I never told him who The Sweetie is. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction, yaadaadaa!!
Honey, if you are reading this, I just wanted you to know that you are not the only man who can pump your dick into my hole and then do the pumping up until I'm high and dry. Nope, siree... you may be the best neck kisser and pussy licker that I had ever known since The Purple Dino (another ex bf, by the way...) but I'm gonna tell you this: I can now compare notes, bwahaahahaha! And I can tell you where YOU exactly score and stand in my red diaries. Scandalized? Shocked? Read on.
Ever since you asked me if I already did it with "him", I really felt so low and degraded. And happy and elated. A mixture of all of them, so to say. Jealous, huh? Yo, Mr M... I'm going to make your bulging eyes finally pop out from their lids and your pus-laden leg dry out with my erotic story. Curious? Read on.
(Note: to the reader who is not Mr M, if you are scandalized please do not continue reading. Well I know you'd read anyway... okay BUT I WARNED YOU, no regrets.)
Where do you want me to start? How about the time when he fingered me in our living room, underneath the pillows, while my whole clan and him were watching a music video by Kitchie Nadal? Nice soundtrack, baby.
And remember that time when we were browsing through photo albums up in my room and then we just did it and I swallowed your cum? Did it feel good? Yeah, so he told me... but this time it's not in my room, but in his room while his brother is sleeping. Beat that.
Sex on the beach? We did it... a couple of times when we were out there. Dogstyle, missionary... whatever you can name those shit. And we had a cold glass of martini afterwards. Yum.
The Sweetie likes it when I give him a head, so off I go... even when he is attending to a case (I'm just there, underneath the table, sssshhhh...) and while he is driving. Classic. But... he gives me one too, so that's even.
Pumping? Well Honey... he's like you as well. Pumps hard and fast and slow and sensual... and the good thing about him, like you, is that he doesn't cum fast. Which is good... and bad... because there was one time when I shouted YOUR name and not his. I remembered you, fuck you. It should've been HIS name, not YOURS that I should be moaning. Oh well, old habits die hard. I just made up for it by kissing him intensely. The same ol' Mariko tricks.
But one thing's for sure, I assure you: your dick is more normal than his. His is bigger and pinkish. And bent. Looks like a weird banana. You don't wanna believe me? I'm gonna show you the pics, come over here at my place.
Speaking of pics... you think you're the only one who can make a homemade video of the UST-CSB Scandal that we once produced? Sorry, but we were able to make one as well. And this time, it's kinkier, more fun and we have still shots. And I am assuring you again: this time, it's not gonna get lost! I'm gonna give you a free copy when we're through with it. We still have 60 more minutes to shoot, and we're thinking of filming our Boracay escapade. How's that? Another UST-CSB Scandal, but this time, it's part two and it's meaner. HA HA!
Am I getting into your nerves? Wanna know more? Naaaaahhh... I'm gonna save my grilling for another time. I don't want you to have a heart attack... lest it be charged against my conscience. I'm still your baby girl ne? But I could be your bitchy ex-gf too.
I told you, come back to me. I'm gonna show you the new tricks I learned.
And this, my dear friends, is a bird's eye view of how Mr M thinks. My blog has finally robbed him of his senses and slowly poisoned his already vile blood and mind! Two syllables, baby: Ha. Ha. He was referring to "him" as The Sweetie of course... and up until now I never told him who The Sweetie is. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction, yaadaadaa!!
Honey, if you are reading this, I just wanted you to know that you are not the only man who can pump your dick into my hole and then do the pumping up until I'm high and dry. Nope, siree... you may be the best neck kisser and pussy licker that I had ever known since The Purple Dino (another ex bf, by the way...) but I'm gonna tell you this: I can now compare notes, bwahaahahaha! And I can tell you where YOU exactly score and stand in my red diaries. Scandalized? Shocked? Read on.
Ever since you asked me if I already did it with "him", I really felt so low and degraded. And happy and elated. A mixture of all of them, so to say. Jealous, huh? Yo, Mr M... I'm going to make your bulging eyes finally pop out from their lids and your pus-laden leg dry out with my erotic story. Curious? Read on.
(Note: to the reader who is not Mr M, if you are scandalized please do not continue reading. Well I know you'd read anyway... okay BUT I WARNED YOU, no regrets.)
Where do you want me to start? How about the time when he fingered me in our living room, underneath the pillows, while my whole clan and him were watching a music video by Kitchie Nadal? Nice soundtrack, baby.
And remember that time when we were browsing through photo albums up in my room and then we just did it and I swallowed your cum? Did it feel good? Yeah, so he told me... but this time it's not in my room, but in his room while his brother is sleeping. Beat that.
Sex on the beach? We did it... a couple of times when we were out there. Dogstyle, missionary... whatever you can name those shit. And we had a cold glass of martini afterwards. Yum.
The Sweetie likes it when I give him a head, so off I go... even when he is attending to a case (I'm just there, underneath the table, sssshhhh...) and while he is driving. Classic. But... he gives me one too, so that's even.
Pumping? Well Honey... he's like you as well. Pumps hard and fast and slow and sensual... and the good thing about him, like you, is that he doesn't cum fast. Which is good... and bad... because there was one time when I shouted YOUR name and not his. I remembered you, fuck you. It should've been HIS name, not YOURS that I should be moaning. Oh well, old habits die hard. I just made up for it by kissing him intensely. The same ol' Mariko tricks.
But one thing's for sure, I assure you: your dick is more normal than his. His is bigger and pinkish. And bent. Looks like a weird banana. You don't wanna believe me? I'm gonna show you the pics, come over here at my place.
Speaking of pics... you think you're the only one who can make a homemade video of the UST-CSB Scandal that we once produced? Sorry, but we were able to make one as well. And this time, it's kinkier, more fun and we have still shots. And I am assuring you again: this time, it's not gonna get lost! I'm gonna give you a free copy when we're through with it. We still have 60 more minutes to shoot, and we're thinking of filming our Boracay escapade. How's that? Another UST-CSB Scandal, but this time, it's part two and it's meaner. HA HA!
Am I getting into your nerves? Wanna know more? Naaaaahhh... I'm gonna save my grilling for another time. I don't want you to have a heart attack... lest it be charged against my conscience. I'm still your baby girl ne? But I could be your bitchy ex-gf too.
I told you, come back to me. I'm gonna show you the new tricks I learned.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Kissing 2004 Goodbye
Flirt Flirt Flirt!!
Happy New Year! Another year to live by...
And as what I have previously disclosed, I spent New Year's Eve at the office, with a headset pinning my ears to my head. I felt disappointed, unexcited and extremely anxious as the clock struck twelve and everybody was like wishing each other a happy new year. As if we'd have one, sigh. I'm still not soooo over with my love life, as it continuously drives me to the brink of insanity. Where the hell am I supposed to be in this year? Still another wanderer, indulging in my wanderlust and wandering in the vast expanse of dating (and mating). For short --- I am still at a lost.
Okay, so I have a job, I have friends and I have a so-called bf... or so I think. Whatever. The past few days before New Year have been tremendously stressful for me, considering that: a.) My Mom and I fought again. What's new... we always do. It's New Year and we're not on speaking terms. b.) I'm still in the confused stage with The Sweetie, although he's been acting reallllyyyy weird lately, but I don't really want to assume. I'm on the process of really hating him. Really. c.)Starfish is getting herself into some mess and I think I'm gonna be next. d.) I'm planning on moving out of my parents' house because they really are driving me nuts and I don't want them to find out that I'm "on the way" and I am so short of cash. And that's reason number five. Or Letter E. Whichever comes first.
Watched the fireworks from our office and can't help thinking of jumping out of the window. I was joking Leslie to come with me and commit suicide as the revelry starts at midnight... Mart just laughed and said it's really a Japanese thing, but deep down inside I AM FUCKING SERIOUS. Lately, I feel unhappy and unloved and taken for granted by people. I'm just paranoid, maybe. Or maybe I'm so damn right. It's so hard to be always on the giving end.
Giving what? Giving love that is unrequitted, giving everything for every thing that would not guarantee me anything at all. Giving unconditionally my self to someone whom I don't think will ever love me --- presently, or in the future. I think that I am just a toy. A fucking toy, a little dress-me-up-doll you can play with then leave anywhere when you're tired. Life is really hard, and it becomes harder every time. What keeps me surviving is the hope that someday, somehow... everything will be alright. And just how I wish.
The problem is with me. I know. I'm just too complicated, and I like to make my life as complicated as me. And I run too deep and careless and self-sacrificing and too emotional. And of course, I always end up being hurt. For the past year, there have been so many things that happened to me --- things that shaped my understanding of life and my future for this year. It's been one helluva year... and I loved it so well, even though some things didn't turn out right, but for me... every thing was great. Things happened for a reason, and to teach me valuable life lessons. Lessons like not playing with people's emotions and karma is just around. Friends come and go, and only the good and true ones remain. Love is never enough to stay in a relationship, and although it hurts a lot you have to sacrifice and let go. It's not easy loving somebody who doesn't love you back, and if you do, then it's true love. Familiarity breeds too much contempt. Always use protection when having sex coz you'll never know when the stork will visit you. You can tell a guy's thoughts and feelings about you when you kiss him. Etc. Etc.
But what is the best thing I learned so far?
Live, love, give and live again. Lifes too short to waste on unimportant matters, so grab every opportunity you can get. Carpe diem. For tomorrow, we die.
And I'll be kissing 2004 goodbye, with tears, heartaches, smiles and joys of all my life.
Hello, 2005.
Happy New Year.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
My Inner Goddess
You Are Psyche!Eternally in search of purpose and insight.You're curious and creative with a total sense of wonder.Totally empathetic, you pick up on other's moods easily.Just be sure to pamper yourself as well!What Goddess Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. |  |
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Christmas Woes
Merry Christmas.
I spent Christmas eve in my station, on a high-rise building somewhere out there in the city of skyscrapers. Blowfish cried, Starfish cried, and Clamshell cried, too. Woe to the sea creatures who had salty beef and packed lunch for Noche Buena and took irate calls. And The Sweetie? Still the same. Nothing has changed.
It's been quite a while before I managed to post something in here --- too much of everything has happened, and I feel like my life is in fast forward mode.
Let me give us an update of what has happened the past few days:
1. Blowfish, Starfish and Clamshell = FYI: it's Jhana, Kat and Yours Truly respectively. For the past few weeks, we have bonded over crazy stories, romance overtures, out of this world philosophies, green jokes and camaraderie. Why the fish names? We're fishy. Don't ask why. I just realized that there's more to life than dealing with Priority Club Crappers and steadily falling in love with a guy who doesn't even return the feeling. Yes, steadily falling in love, and now, I'm steadily letting go. Thanks to Blowfish --- you open my eyes to reality and I could never thank you enough. Especially those wicked nights we spend together in Tagaytay and Makati Avenue... to think that I once had a penchant for wringing your neck because you are slithering all over like a snake on my ex-bf's arms! Geez. Hahaha.
2. The Sweetie = another ???? on my hypothalamus database. He is the sweetest, most fantastic thing since I fell in love with Mr M, but now I knew better. I don't want to compare (quoting The Sweetie of course) but because I have learned from past relationships already, I am finally in control of myself. Yes, I am faaaaallliiinnnnggggg... but like I said... I'm steadily letting go. God, don't make me an idiot again. And please don't make me do things that we would both regret. Things like giving in to the urge of hurting him emotionally (which, I doubt, will ever be effective) and things like making me want to get the family katana and shove it in my intestines. Yummy. 3 pesos per stick, anyone?
3. Mr M = poor guy, suffering from a leg infection. Voodoo DOES work. Seriously. To all you interested guys out there who's after on breaking MAriko's heart: I hope you get the picture.
4. Christmas = is the most insane and ugly Christmas I've ever had. And to add more insult to my injury, I'll be spending New Year's Eve in the office, too. Damn.
5. Red Moon = last Dec 24, the moon was red. And Winter Solstice has just begun. Ergo : bad luck, disaster, omen. Starfish and I were just talking about it in between calls and woe to our angel tongues and supernatural speculations... true enough, the largest earthquake after 40 years hit the Eurasian plate. What's next? Armageddon? It's not yet the end of the world, is it? Repent, or you will burn in Hell!
I don't care if the world ends right now. My world started its ending when I fell in love and got hurt. But for every ending, there's always a new beginning. There's always hope. I'd continue to love and get hurt. Fuck the shit, I don't care. Let the world end now, and I'd claim my sweet repose. Merry Christmas, Mariko.
I spent Christmas eve in my station, on a high-rise building somewhere out there in the city of skyscrapers. Blowfish cried, Starfish cried, and Clamshell cried, too. Woe to the sea creatures who had salty beef and packed lunch for Noche Buena and took irate calls. And The Sweetie? Still the same. Nothing has changed.
It's been quite a while before I managed to post something in here --- too much of everything has happened, and I feel like my life is in fast forward mode.
Let me give us an update of what has happened the past few days:
1. Blowfish, Starfish and Clamshell = FYI: it's Jhana, Kat and Yours Truly respectively. For the past few weeks, we have bonded over crazy stories, romance overtures, out of this world philosophies, green jokes and camaraderie. Why the fish names? We're fishy. Don't ask why. I just realized that there's more to life than dealing with Priority Club Crappers and steadily falling in love with a guy who doesn't even return the feeling. Yes, steadily falling in love, and now, I'm steadily letting go. Thanks to Blowfish --- you open my eyes to reality and I could never thank you enough. Especially those wicked nights we spend together in Tagaytay and Makati Avenue... to think that I once had a penchant for wringing your neck because you are slithering all over like a snake on my ex-bf's arms! Geez. Hahaha.
2. The Sweetie = another ???? on my hypothalamus database. He is the sweetest, most fantastic thing since I fell in love with Mr M, but now I knew better. I don't want to compare (quoting The Sweetie of course) but because I have learned from past relationships already, I am finally in control of myself. Yes, I am faaaaallliiinnnnggggg... but like I said... I'm steadily letting go. God, don't make me an idiot again. And please don't make me do things that we would both regret. Things like giving in to the urge of hurting him emotionally (which, I doubt, will ever be effective) and things like making me want to get the family katana and shove it in my intestines. Yummy. 3 pesos per stick, anyone?
3. Mr M = poor guy, suffering from a leg infection. Voodoo DOES work. Seriously. To all you interested guys out there who's after on breaking MAriko's heart: I hope you get the picture.
4. Christmas = is the most insane and ugly Christmas I've ever had. And to add more insult to my injury, I'll be spending New Year's Eve in the office, too. Damn.
5. Red Moon = last Dec 24, the moon was red. And Winter Solstice has just begun. Ergo : bad luck, disaster, omen. Starfish and I were just talking about it in between calls and woe to our angel tongues and supernatural speculations... true enough, the largest earthquake after 40 years hit the Eurasian plate. What's next? Armageddon? It's not yet the end of the world, is it? Repent, or you will burn in Hell!
I don't care if the world ends right now. My world started its ending when I fell in love and got hurt. But for every ending, there's always a new beginning. There's always hope. I'd continue to love and get hurt. Fuck the shit, I don't care. Let the world end now, and I'd claim my sweet repose. Merry Christmas, Mariko.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Confident Sexy
You Are Confident SexyYou're one sexy chica, and you know it.You've got the confidence to strut your stuff...And approach any man who happens to catch your eye.You may make a guys run away, but the true men will appreciate your moxie. What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-)Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. |  |
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Cable Cars and Tangerine Stars
Woke up this morning, I was staring at the ceiling cracks...
Yeah, like I was singing Comfort in Your Strangeness by Cynthia A. Today is a neutral day... after having three days of lounging around in the house and doing nothing (ohhh... correction... I had a shagfest last Tuesday. Ok. So I wasn't lounging all throughout my days off, after all... *snickers*) I am finally going to work tonight. Wish me luck. I am going to see my lovely officemates again plus The Sweetie. (officially let me give him the nickname of The Sweetie for our sake of identifying the damn guy) And of course, don't forget the infamous Priority Crap members, ho-hum.
The Sweetie. It's like munching on battery-operated tangerine-flavored cable wires. YUM. (yeah, he's yummy... know what?!?! Sorry, can't disclose any information in here about my sex life since you've had enough from my previous postings, harharhar.) I can't really put into words -- and writing, for that matter-- how I feel about him. Last time we watched Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason and he was holding my hand. For Pete's and Judas' sake, forgive me but I can't help thinking about Mr M... that it could've been him sitting next to me and was the one holding my hand. My thoughts about the recent ex-bf quickly faded when The Sweetie smiled at me. Okaaaaayyyyy... so much for Mr M. I've got The Sweetie for the meantime. FOR THE MEANTIME.
And that, my dear friends is the hullahbalullah question that is fucking the bullshit out of my asshole. I asked Raechie (my imaginary friend, by the way... of course you all well know Raechie, ne?) "What's next to fuckness?" and she told me, "Nada. Go with the flow." Yeah right. Go with the flow. As if he feels something for me too... I dunno. I really dunno. I mean, he's sweet and everything (yeah, he's sweet down there too nyahahahhaa!!! that's why he earned the title "Sweetie", lol.) but emotions-wise... I am really at a loss in here. Help?
He makes me feel special, but on nights when I think about it, I can't help wondering if what he is showing me is true. It must just be Maya, or illusion, and I can't help thinking if it was just born out of obligation because I kissed him (note: I Kissed Him. If you see him, don't tell him I told you. I'm not a Kiss and Tell... I just KISS and WRITE. Got it? There's a big difference, even in the spelling, harhar) or if he is just careful not to hurt my emotions. Damn emotions. Why can't humans fuck without having to go through a series of mental notes and endocrinal mechanications in the hypothalamus? Dang. I wish I was a dog. Dog Dog Dog Doggy.
Am I falling? I asked Mikage if I was, he just clucked his tongue and told me "Hala ka." Yang is here, I tell her everything but I really can't decipher the encrypted codes that are written all over me. Am I falling? I don't want to.
I don't want to (Fuck you Yang, stop singing!!!) fall because I am honestly tired of going through the heartaches all over again. I love the feeling of being in love, but with The Sweetie... well... I like him. I like him a real lot and I do miss him. I miss the way he looks at me, the way he holds my hand, the way he kisses me and the way his arms encircle me... as if he'd never let me go. Please I don't want to fall. Not now. Not now.
And I still think of Mr M... I still do. But the way I see it, he's happy right now, living his own life and he's adjusted well without me. I am sincerely happy for him, and if he is contented like this, then it's good enough for me. I am trying to move on, trying to pick up the broken pieces of Me and continue to live. Do I have to thank The Sweetie for this? Maybe yes, maybe no.
We went out last time, and I was tempted to say something to him... something I know that would either make or break this so-called relationship. (Mariko, there is NO relationship. You very well KNOW that.) It's really very confusing in this stage --- you know that you're with him, you return his kisses, text him back with all those mushiness but don't really know where you stand. I am not really after a commitment with him... but I just want to know where we are and how long will this charade end. I am afraid to invest too much, because I know in the end he will just leave me --- like what the others did. I don't want to die as a broken-hearted motherfucker (good Lord, thanks I'm no longer a virgin! I'm not dying a virgin! Yey.) and I know that what we have will last.
Should I go on like this? I don't want to ask him, don't want to sound too eager, too expectant, too... toooo.. starting to fall. If there is a rope you can find, please tie me around a Banyan tree. Let me be in Nirvana instead.
And what is Nirvana? To ultimately reach my goal of being liberated from this crazy life.
And that is to ride on cable cars and reach for the tangerine stars.
Mariko, don't fall.
Yeah, like I was singing Comfort in Your Strangeness by Cynthia A. Today is a neutral day... after having three days of lounging around in the house and doing nothing (ohhh... correction... I had a shagfest last Tuesday. Ok. So I wasn't lounging all throughout my days off, after all... *snickers*) I am finally going to work tonight. Wish me luck. I am going to see my lovely officemates again plus The Sweetie. (officially let me give him the nickname of The Sweetie for our sake of identifying the damn guy) And of course, don't forget the infamous Priority Crap members, ho-hum.
The Sweetie. It's like munching on battery-operated tangerine-flavored cable wires. YUM. (yeah, he's yummy... know what?!?! Sorry, can't disclose any information in here about my sex life since you've had enough from my previous postings, harharhar.) I can't really put into words -- and writing, for that matter-- how I feel about him. Last time we watched Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason and he was holding my hand. For Pete's and Judas' sake, forgive me but I can't help thinking about Mr M... that it could've been him sitting next to me and was the one holding my hand. My thoughts about the recent ex-bf quickly faded when The Sweetie smiled at me. Okaaaaayyyyy... so much for Mr M. I've got The Sweetie for the meantime. FOR THE MEANTIME.
And that, my dear friends is the hullahbalullah question that is fucking the bullshit out of my asshole. I asked Raechie (my imaginary friend, by the way... of course you all well know Raechie, ne?) "What's next to fuckness?" and she told me, "Nada. Go with the flow." Yeah right. Go with the flow. As if he feels something for me too... I dunno. I really dunno. I mean, he's sweet and everything (yeah, he's sweet down there too nyahahahhaa!!! that's why he earned the title "Sweetie", lol.) but emotions-wise... I am really at a loss in here. Help?
He makes me feel special, but on nights when I think about it, I can't help wondering if what he is showing me is true. It must just be Maya, or illusion, and I can't help thinking if it was just born out of obligation because I kissed him (note: I Kissed Him. If you see him, don't tell him I told you. I'm not a Kiss and Tell... I just KISS and WRITE. Got it? There's a big difference, even in the spelling, harhar) or if he is just careful not to hurt my emotions. Damn emotions. Why can't humans fuck without having to go through a series of mental notes and endocrinal mechanications in the hypothalamus? Dang. I wish I was a dog. Dog Dog Dog Doggy.
Am I falling? I asked Mikage if I was, he just clucked his tongue and told me "Hala ka." Yang is here, I tell her everything but I really can't decipher the encrypted codes that are written all over me. Am I falling? I don't want to.
I don't want to (Fuck you Yang, stop singing!!!) fall because I am honestly tired of going through the heartaches all over again. I love the feeling of being in love, but with The Sweetie... well... I like him. I like him a real lot and I do miss him. I miss the way he looks at me, the way he holds my hand, the way he kisses me and the way his arms encircle me... as if he'd never let me go. Please I don't want to fall. Not now. Not now.
And I still think of Mr M... I still do. But the way I see it, he's happy right now, living his own life and he's adjusted well without me. I am sincerely happy for him, and if he is contented like this, then it's good enough for me. I am trying to move on, trying to pick up the broken pieces of Me and continue to live. Do I have to thank The Sweetie for this? Maybe yes, maybe no.
We went out last time, and I was tempted to say something to him... something I know that would either make or break this so-called relationship. (Mariko, there is NO relationship. You very well KNOW that.) It's really very confusing in this stage --- you know that you're with him, you return his kisses, text him back with all those mushiness but don't really know where you stand. I am not really after a commitment with him... but I just want to know where we are and how long will this charade end. I am afraid to invest too much, because I know in the end he will just leave me --- like what the others did. I don't want to die as a broken-hearted motherfucker (good Lord, thanks I'm no longer a virgin! I'm not dying a virgin! Yey.) and I know that what we have will last.
Should I go on like this? I don't want to ask him, don't want to sound too eager, too expectant, too... toooo.. starting to fall. If there is a rope you can find, please tie me around a Banyan tree. Let me be in Nirvana instead.
And what is Nirvana? To ultimately reach my goal of being liberated from this crazy life.
And that is to ride on cable cars and reach for the tangerine stars.
Mariko, don't fall.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Heya no Gojuusan
Fresh catch.
I left my heart in Room 53 while Sinatra left his in San Francisco...
When all he gave you was nights of endless loving, and you returned his kisses. Where the sky, the sun and the sea met on a hill as rainclouds forged your emotions. Dreams are understated, memories do not fade quickly --- because as you come and go, the memoirs of those days linger on. How time flies so fast... the next thing you know you are hopping on a ferry on your way back to the city. Waves crash against the rocks, the hill where the elements met seem tinier in the distance, and what was left was an unanswered question of those endless nights spent in his embrace. How true? My heart was left and locked up in that room, forever untouched by no other. No love is spoken, nor guaranteed, but fate is sealed by just one kiss, and one man who lost my all. Tears are no longer the same... they are as salty as the sea but sounds like a bittersweet symphony, drowned in the cries of passion and marks of indecision. We are not both sure of our feelings for each other. You are right -- it was just an impulse of the moment... but how can I let go when all you gave was what I thought your all? I lost my senses, I lost my everything. I gave up my everything, but now I know that I am holding back. It was just a mere glimpse of utopia, and I don't want to get lost again.
What do your kisses mean? How can I not tell myself that I am wrong? What does your embrace show me? How can I not tell myself not to wake up from a dream that I know in the end would leave us both in pain?
Reality bites back to every illusion we swim into. You hold the key to that room.
I left my heart lying in there somewhere...
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Kokomo
Bigger fonts, deeper colors. Welcome to my new blog appearance.
And pair that up with a not-so visible tan line, straight from the beach of Puerto Galera. Yes, my dear comrades and readers... as you might have all well known that I just came home from the beach, after bitching with my oh-so successful vacay and bikini wax. My long-term dream of wearing a G-string beaded green bikini and spending my day lounging around has finally came true --- except that the sun didn't show up (damn the eggs. damn the silly eggs i offered to Santa Clara. Might as well sacrificed a whole coop or ate live chicken. grrr.) for the first two days. And the nerve! Mister Sun showed up on the day that we are supposed to leave... so what did Miss Beach Bitch do? Swam, swam and swam some more.
I earned a tan line on the last day, but it faded when I got back to Manila which, by the way, left me an ugly darkened skin color. Think about my poor Japanese genes, arrrggghhh!! I envy Andre, though... he learned his lesson well for being a killjoy. The raw Korean slept all throughout our vacay while I was itching to commit suicide and drown myself in coco wine and Pringles. Not to mention that I was chanting my wicked incantations accompanied by a borrowed guitar some kind local lent me. Thank you, whoever the goddess of vacation is. (Uhhh Mariko... isn't that you? shut up. I know I'm a goddess... tee hee.)
Moral of the story: Don't over-massage your raw Korean vacay mate if you want some action. Don't eat too much breakfast in the buffet. No Shiatsu and Body oil required. Chocolate and whipped cream are plus factors.
How am I today? Good, and so I think. There are so many things that I wanted to discuss, wanted to confront after the beach thing. But for the meantime, I'll sae the yakkity yak later.
I'm gonna scrub my bikini line.
And pair that up with a not-so visible tan line, straight from the beach of Puerto Galera. Yes, my dear comrades and readers... as you might have all well known that I just came home from the beach, after bitching with my oh-so successful vacay and bikini wax. My long-term dream of wearing a G-string beaded green bikini and spending my day lounging around has finally came true --- except that the sun didn't show up (damn the eggs. damn the silly eggs i offered to Santa Clara. Might as well sacrificed a whole coop or ate live chicken. grrr.) for the first two days. And the nerve! Mister Sun showed up on the day that we are supposed to leave... so what did Miss Beach Bitch do? Swam, swam and swam some more.
I earned a tan line on the last day, but it faded when I got back to Manila which, by the way, left me an ugly darkened skin color. Think about my poor Japanese genes, arrrggghhh!! I envy Andre, though... he learned his lesson well for being a killjoy. The raw Korean slept all throughout our vacay while I was itching to commit suicide and drown myself in coco wine and Pringles. Not to mention that I was chanting my wicked incantations accompanied by a borrowed guitar some kind local lent me. Thank you, whoever the goddess of vacation is. (Uhhh Mariko... isn't that you? shut up. I know I'm a goddess... tee hee.)
Moral of the story: Don't over-massage your raw Korean vacay mate if you want some action. Don't eat too much breakfast in the buffet. No Shiatsu and Body oil required. Chocolate and whipped cream are plus factors.
How am I today? Good, and so I think. There are so many things that I wanted to discuss, wanted to confront after the beach thing. But for the meantime, I'll sae the yakkity yak later.
I'm gonna scrub my bikini line.
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