This time, it's not Sweetie who broke my heart.
This time, it's my parents. And I want to die.
Received a tagboard message from good good good abie: UPDATES. But no I'm not in the mood for an update, after how 2 months of staggering and lagging made me a sloth and a clash between a daydream believer and a psycho. I'm so fucking broken-hearted and depressed that if there is a truckload of Jews for the Holocaust, I'd gladly jump right in.
Where do I start? Ok. Here's the list:
1. My pregnancy has complications. I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and there MIGHT be a possibility that little sweetie will be born prematurely. Fuckshit. My cervix is not totally closed (it's dilated, like eyeballs do when you have a dose of "E". Ask voodoo doll about it, she knows.) and I have to have a bedrest. For a fidgety gal like me? Nah-ah. So what if Ryu's gonna be a premature baby? Dahlin', I DO have a job but sweetie doesn't have one and we need cash. We don't want to totally depend on my folks. That leads to number two.
2. My folks are total killers. I can't understand them! They're driving me crazy!! On one instant, they've approved of our situation (Me and Sweetie are living together now, ayt?) but then the next thing we knew, they're asking us to part ways?! Their reason: You're not yet married. It doesn't look good if you continue living together under the same roof. Andre has to move out.
Don't they understand that I need Sweetie more than ever now? Horror of all horrors.
And then, they asked to meet up with Sweetie's dad. No prob. Tito Tommy is cool (Sweetie's dad), but it turned out to be a disaster when my parents started talking. No, make that --- my Mom started to do the talking. I didn't know what the problem is, until I discovered: my mom didn't like the way Sweetie and I confronted each other one crazy night. I was really throwing a temper tantrum and out of displeasure and wanting to make me stop, Sweetie shouted at me. I didn't mind him, I continued to cry and scream. But I didn't know that my mom had a different angle to that situation. Tito Tommy said that it's normal for couples to really argue, and he advised me to just be in control and compromise with each other. My parents just had a different viewpoint. Tito Tommy told me that their house is always open and that I am family.
But what is done is done.
That night, we were on our separate ways.
He cried.
I cried even more.
Imagine sleeping alone on a bed, next to a ghost of memories.
I was so used to hugging him tight before we sleep and he would always kiss me goodnight and assure me that everything's gonna be fine as long as hang on together. We would always talk about our dreams and plans. He would wake up in the middle of the night to fix the blanket, just to make sure I don't get cold. There were times when I would disturb him because of my leg cramps.
On mornings like this, he would wake me up with another kiss and tell me "Sweetie, you're going to be late again. Wake up. Are you feeling ok?".
On afternoons, we would have a smoochfest and plan on strolling around the block and grab some barbecue.
But that night, it was different. And so are the next few nights. And so was last night. And how much more tonight and the nights after?
He told me he loves me so much... which made me cry harder because I never expected him to tell me that. Just him being there for me is more than enough. Even though we fight at times and don't see each other eye to eye but hey, it's more than enough.
Then he told me what his greatest dream is. It's not having enough money to buy a fancy car or a big house. It's having money to spend for the wedding and marry me. Because he wants to be with me. Because that is his dream.
I just cried. I never told him how much I love him... I cannot measure that. But I told him that I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness and my own life for his sake. I hope he got the point.
Now, we're both trying to adjust to the situation, although I can't sleep well at night anymore. On days like this, I feel tired and restless. At the office, I try to smile and do my job but I'm still bothered. When I go home, it's another painful day and I have to rest. Another painful day to pass me by.
We still see each other, although not everyday anymore. We only see each other twice a week, thanks to my parents!
When I become a parent soon, I'm not gonna insist what I want with my son. I want him to love me, not hate me because I'm controlling his life. We are all children of our parents, but we do not owe our life to them completely. We owe our lives to ourselves.
How long will this last?
My tears have dried. And so will my soul.
