My Inner Goddess

You Are Psyche! Eternally in search of purpose and insight.You're curious and creative with a total sense of wonder.Totally empathetic, you pick up on other's moods easily.Just be sure to pamper yourself as well! What Goddess Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Christmas Woes

Merry Christmas.
I spent Christmas eve in my station, on a high-rise building somewhere out there in the city of skyscrapers. Blowfish cried, Starfish cried, and Clamshell cried, too. Woe to the sea creatures who had salty beef and packed lunch for Noche Buena and took irate calls. And The Sweetie? Still the same. Nothing has changed.
It's been quite a while before I managed to post something in here --- too much of everything has happened, and I feel like my life is in fast forward mode.
Let me give us an update of what has happened the past few days:
1. Blowfish, Starfish and Clamshell = FYI: it's Jhana, Kat and Yours Truly respectively. For the past few weeks, we have bonded over crazy stories, romance overtures, out of this world philosophies, green jokes and camaraderie. Why the fish names? We're fishy. Don't ask why. I just realized that there's more to life than dealing with Priority Club Crappers and steadily falling in love with a guy who doesn't even return the feeling. Yes, steadily falling in love, and now, I'm steadily letting go. Thanks to Blowfish --- you open my eyes to reality and I could never thank you enough. Especially those wicked nights we spend together in Tagaytay and Makati Avenue... to think that I once had a penchant for wringing your neck because you are slithering all over like a snake on my ex-bf's arms! Geez. Hahaha.
2. The Sweetie = another ???? on my hypothalamus database. He is the sweetest, most fantastic thing since I fell in love with Mr M, but now I knew better. I don't want to compare (quoting The Sweetie of course) but because I have learned from past relationships already, I am finally in control of myself. Yes, I am faaaaallliiinnnnggggg... but like I said... I'm steadily letting go. God, don't make me an idiot again. And please don't make me do things that we would both regret. Things like giving in to the urge of hurting him emotionally (which, I doubt, will ever be effective) and things like making me want to get the family katana and shove it in my intestines. Yummy. 3 pesos per stick, anyone?
3. Mr M = poor guy, suffering from a leg infection. Voodoo DOES work. Seriously. To all you interested guys out there who's after on breaking MAriko's heart: I hope you get the picture.
4. Christmas = is the most insane and ugly Christmas I've ever had. And to add more insult to my injury, I'll be spending New Year's Eve in the office, too. Damn.
5. Red Moon = last Dec 24, the moon was red. And Winter Solstice has just begun. Ergo : bad luck, disaster, omen. Starfish and I were just talking about it in between calls and woe to our angel tongues and supernatural speculations... true enough, the largest earthquake after 40 years hit the Eurasian plate. What's next? Armageddon? It's not yet the end of the world, is it? Repent, or you will burn in Hell!

I don't care if the world ends right now. My world started its ending when I fell in love and got hurt. But for every ending, there's always a new beginning. There's always hope. I'd continue to love and get hurt. Fuck the shit, I don't care. Let the world end now, and I'd claim my sweet repose. Merry Christmas, Mariko.

Confident Sexy

You Are Confident Sexy You're one sexy chica, and you know it.You've got the confidence to strut your stuff...And approach any man who happens to catch your eye.You may make a guys run away, but the true men will appreciate your moxie. What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Cable Cars and Tangerine Stars

Woke up this morning, I was staring at the ceiling cracks...
Yeah, like I was singing Comfort in Your Strangeness by Cynthia A. Today is a neutral day... after having three days of lounging around in the house and doing nothing (ohhh... correction... I had a shagfest last Tuesday. Ok. So I wasn't lounging all throughout my days off, after all... *snickers*) I am finally going to work tonight. Wish me luck. I am going to see my lovely officemates again plus The Sweetie. (officially let me give him the nickname of The Sweetie for our sake of identifying the damn guy) And of course, don't forget the infamous Priority Crap members, ho-hum.
The Sweetie. It's like munching on battery-operated tangerine-flavored cable wires. YUM. (yeah, he's yummy... know what?!?! Sorry, can't disclose any information in here about my sex life since you've had enough from my previous postings, harharhar.) I can't really put into words -- and writing, for that matter-- how I feel about him. Last time we watched Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason and he was holding my hand. For Pete's and Judas' sake, forgive me but I can't help thinking about Mr M... that it could've been him sitting next to me and was the one holding my hand. My thoughts about the recent ex-bf quickly faded when The Sweetie smiled at me. Okaaaaayyyyy... so much for Mr M. I've got The Sweetie for the meantime. FOR THE MEANTIME.
And that, my dear friends is the hullahbalullah question that is fucking the bullshit out of my asshole. I asked Raechie (my imaginary friend, by the way... of course you all well know Raechie, ne?) "What's next to fuckness?" and she told me, "Nada. Go with the flow." Yeah right. Go with the flow. As if he feels something for me too... I dunno. I really dunno. I mean, he's sweet and everything (yeah, he's sweet down there too nyahahahhaa!!! that's why he earned the title "Sweetie", lol.) but emotions-wise... I am really at a loss in here. Help?
He makes me feel special, but on nights when I think about it, I can't help wondering if what he is showing me is true. It must just be Maya, or illusion, and I can't help thinking if it was just born out of obligation because I kissed him (note: I Kissed Him. If you see him, don't tell him I told you. I'm not a Kiss and Tell... I just KISS and WRITE. Got it? There's a big difference, even in the spelling, harhar) or if he is just careful not to hurt my emotions. Damn emotions. Why can't humans fuck without having to go through a series of mental notes and endocrinal mechanications in the hypothalamus? Dang. I wish I was a dog. Dog Dog Dog Doggy.
Am I falling? I asked Mikage if I was, he just clucked his tongue and told me "Hala ka." Yang is here, I tell her everything but I really can't decipher the encrypted codes that are written all over me. Am I falling? I don't want to.
I don't want to (Fuck you Yang, stop singing!!!) fall because I am honestly tired of going through the heartaches all over again. I love the feeling of being in love, but with The Sweetie... well... I like him. I like him a real lot and I do miss him. I miss the way he looks at me, the way he holds my hand, the way he kisses me and the way his arms encircle me... as if he'd never let me go. Please I don't want to fall. Not now. Not now.
And I still think of Mr M... I still do. But the way I see it, he's happy right now, living his own life and he's adjusted well without me. I am sincerely happy for him, and if he is contented like this, then it's good enough for me. I am trying to move on, trying to pick up the broken pieces of Me and continue to live. Do I have to thank The Sweetie for this? Maybe yes, maybe no.
We went out last time, and I was tempted to say something to him... something I know that would either make or break this so-called relationship. (Mariko, there is NO relationship. You very well KNOW that.) It's really very confusing in this stage --- you know that you're with him, you return his kisses, text him back with all those mushiness but don't really know where you stand. I am not really after a commitment with him... but I just want to know where we are and how long will this charade end. I am afraid to invest too much, because I know in the end he will just leave me --- like what the others did. I don't want to die as a broken-hearted motherfucker (good Lord, thanks I'm no longer a virgin! I'm not dying a virgin! Yey.) and I know that what we have will last.
Should I go on like this? I don't want to ask him, don't want to sound too eager, too expectant, too... toooo.. starting to fall. If there is a rope you can find, please tie me around a Banyan tree. Let me be in Nirvana instead.
And what is Nirvana? To ultimately reach my goal of being liberated from this crazy life.
And that is to ride on cable cars and reach for the tangerine stars.
Mariko, don't fall.

Heya no Gojuusan

Fresh catch.

I left my heart in Room 53 while Sinatra left his in San Francisco...
When all he gave you was nights of endless loving, and you returned his kisses. Where the sky, the sun and the sea met on a hill as rainclouds forged your emotions. Dreams are understated, memories do not fade quickly --- because as you come and go, the memoirs of those days linger on. How time flies so fast... the next thing you know you are hopping on a ferry on your way back to the city. Waves crash against the rocks, the hill where the elements met seem tinier in the distance, and what was left was an unanswered question of those endless nights spent in his embrace. How true? My heart was left and locked up in that room, forever untouched by no other. No love is spoken, nor guaranteed, but fate is sealed by just one kiss, and one man who lost my all. Tears are no longer the same... they are as salty as the sea but sounds like a bittersweet symphony, drowned in the cries of passion and marks of indecision. We are not both sure of our feelings for each other. You are right -- it was just an impulse of the moment... but how can I let go when all you gave was what I thought your all? I lost my senses, I lost my everything. I gave up my everything, but now I know that I am holding back. It was just a mere glimpse of utopia, and I don't want to get lost again.
What do your kisses mean? How can I not tell myself that I am wrong? What does your embrace show me? How can I not tell myself not to wake up from a dream that I know in the end would leave us both in pain?
Reality bites back to every illusion we swim into. You hold the key to that room.
I left my heart lying in there somewhere...

Kokomo

Bigger fonts, deeper colors. Welcome to my new blog appearance.
And pair that up with a not-so visible tan line, straight from the beach of Puerto Galera. Yes, my dear comrades and readers... as you might have all well known that I just came home from the beach, after bitching with my oh-so successful vacay and bikini wax. My long-term dream of wearing a G-string beaded green bikini and spending my day lounging around has finally came true --- except that the sun didn't show up (damn the eggs. damn the silly eggs i offered to Santa Clara. Might as well sacrificed a whole coop or ate live chicken. grrr.) for the first two days. And the nerve! Mister Sun showed up on the day that we are supposed to leave... so what did Miss Beach Bitch do? Swam, swam and swam some more.
I earned a tan line on the last day, but it faded when I got back to Manila which, by the way, left me an ugly darkened skin color. Think about my poor Japanese genes, arrrggghhh!! I envy Andre, though... he learned his lesson well for being a killjoy. The raw Korean slept all throughout our vacay while I was itching to commit suicide and drown myself in coco wine and Pringles. Not to mention that I was chanting my wicked incantations accompanied by a borrowed guitar some kind local lent me. Thank you, whoever the goddess of vacation is. (Uhhh Mariko... isn't that you? shut up. I know I'm a goddess... tee hee.)
Moral of the story: Don't over-massage your raw Korean vacay mate if you want some action. Don't eat too much breakfast in the buffet. No Shiatsu and Body oil required. Chocolate and whipped cream are plus factors.
How am I today? Good, and so I think. There are so many things that I wanted to discuss, wanted to confront after the beach thing. But for the meantime, I'll sae the yakkity yak later.
I'm gonna scrub my bikini line.

False Teeth and Fake Smiles

Smile?

I finally decided to make my fonts bigger, and my smile meaner.

And all because they were complaining that they are too small to read on the office computer. Yeah, damn my office coz they have MAC computers and flat LCD screens --- no wonder, we, the humble employees, are like this. No need to elaborate.

Today, I smiled again. Last night's dream was a blast. Final Fantasy meets Sailormoon --- Hentai version, starring yours truly. Don't laugh, I am NOT allowing any kind of disrespect while you are browsing through this sacred page and my beautiful, dimwit twin is staring at you with her perfect smile. Try if you can, or you'll be dead meat.

Back to smiling.

Yes, I smiled again today. Not the usual half-crazed half-half smile I have, but this time it's more genuine... all because of the perfect dream I had, reminiscent of old charms and lost innocence. It made me smile because I know what it is all about --- a prophetic vision of the not-so distant past and the future, boiling down to one thing: deception. When I woke up, I figured it right away that the kiss he gave me in my dream was in fact, the same kiss that Judas gave Jesus. No, I am not trying to say I am as kind-hearted and pure as Jesus is. All I'm trying to say is that I'm getting more and more sensible each day. I finally decided to make my smile mean. And meaner.

To flash my not-so pearly whites and grin like a Cheshire cat is not the ultimate reality. Reality is: I am bound to be deceived in the end, and playing my game is like playing their game. I'm not going to be on the losing end, boys. Reality is telling me that if I don't stop, I'll get hurt. Just like what it did to me how many years, how many months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds and milliseconds ago. And again, just as what I am barking back to Reality: I am not stopping. Not even if I already know that I am destined to fall.

I must admit. I, yours truly, am keeping two guys. Again, yes. But this time, it's different. Guy # 1 is an ex-boyfriend who I'm still in love with on days when I feel like it (like today). He is the recent bf whom I dumped not so long ago and was seriously deciding IF I'm still taking him back or no. Yesterday, I decided NO. This morning, I decided YES. But when I let him know --- he shunned me. The nerve!! If you are reading this, huney... Hindi ka kaguwapuhan noh. Hindi ka rin kawalan pero ewan ko... I still love you siguro. Maybe you're right. WE need some space to grow. I hate it when you do this to me. I know, I drove you crazy, but please don't drive me more insane. I don't want to end up in Ward 11.

There you go. His text messages still haunted me. I have nothing else to do, but smile. A mean mean mean smile.

Guy # 2 is a prospect. I don't really love him, methinks I'm just attracted because we are on the same page, and we share the same wavelength. There are times when I feel something for him but it's more of a challenge than of a commitment. We have sparks, yes. But these sparks are sometimes imaginary. I know that he likes me too. But there are always buts and what-ifs. I'm looking forward to the day when I'll get that BIG BIG CHANCE to prey on him. Prey, as in PREY. Go for the hunt, you wild mama! The only big question is how to deal with him after that. Should I go for the romance? Or should I keep the friendship?

He was the essence of my dream last night. And I know... he is my Judas, my Brutus, my traitor. But what the heck? I'll smile again. And this time, it's meaner.

Save the toothpaste for me. I need it to zap my zit.