Happy B-day

Yesterday, I am a year older.

Hell yeah. I am a year older and still, I don't know where the hell my life is leading into. I just realized that I still don't know what I want in life, and that a part of me has changed in the past year.
No, I'm not just talking about stretch marks (ugh! they're soooo ugly...) and having a baby (which is a good thing, hehe! excited mom here), but more of life goals and values. I feel so catatonic, lethargic, immobile. I don't know what I really would like to have and be in my life.

I've always wanted to succeed. I am the eternal optimist, the go-getter perky cheerleader who always want the best, and I always make sure that I always get what I want. But lately, I feel that somehow, somewhat, somewhere... I am suddenly lost.

Do I really know where I'm going to?
Honestly --- I DON'T. Some things have changed in my life for the past year. There were some good things, and of course there were some bad things. There are also the unexpected turns and curbs that I was not ready for and aware of, but rating it all in all, it was damn good. I may not know where the hell I am going, but I know I'll make it. I just need a little focus.

TOP TEN SIGNIFICANT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME FROM AUGUST 7, 2004 to AUGUST 7, 2005:

10. I broke up with Manolo. That's a good thing. Hehehe.
9. I resigned from my hellish job. Another good thing.
8. I made new friends, who proved to be worth keeping.
7. I made friends with the great ex... Barney. (Uyyy soulmate! Hehehe!!)
6. I bonded and got close with Jhana, an ex-enemy. Imagine that. We're friends now, as in.
5. I amusedly watched two of my close friends fall in love (Diba Raechie & Mikey? hehe.)
4. I unexpectedly fell in love... with Andre. He was just a friend back then. Oh well, as the song goes... Love moves in mysterious ways!
3. I did not expect Sweetie to love me back. But he did. And still holding on, inspite of everything. I just hope it's for real and for keeps.
2. I am finally in good terms with my mom! I just realized that she's a great mom, although there are really some times when I am itching to bite off her nagging tongue and skin her alive (Sorry, Ma... pero totoo to! Hehe!)
1. I am finally going to see my Little Sweetie sometime this September. My baby is the most precious gift I ever had on my birthday, and he will always be a reminder of how I once fell in love completely and gave my all (naks, andrama! Hehe.) Ryu is an unexpected bundle of joy, and I know that Andre and I will be facing more rough action (I hope in bed... cross fingers! haha.) in the future but Little Ryu Anakin will always be our source of strength & optimism.

To all of my friends who remembered to greet me and celebrate with me on my birthday: you know who you are! Thank you so much for making my day. You all rock my world! Life is never complete without good friends like you around!

To my sister and bestfriend, Mamei: I'm sorry for not having the time to visit you and talk to you about some things. We need catching up to do. Thanks for being there for me always, no matter what. I love you.

And to my Sweetie: Thank you for everything. Remember when I told you last night when we were having dinner that this was the best birthday I had in years? You asked me why. I wasn't able to give you any reason. But now I know why... because in the past years that I celebrated my birthday, you were not there for me yet. And this year (and in the coming years) I know that my birthday will always be happy with you and Ryu around. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. No gift can ever replace the one you gave me: Little Sweetie & your presence. Luv u.

Happy birthday, Mariko.

On the Brink of Tears and other Stories

Boring day.

I miss my Sweetie so much, he went to his final (cross fingers!) interview for Merck Sharpe & Dohme and would go straight to school to finish the intro part of his paper. I'm here alone stuck in my room, with strict instructions from the doc not to move away from the bed. Bedrest really sucks. I hope he's with me right now so at least BEDREST would be more fun hehehe... oh well.

What I did today...
Not much, surfed the net and then decided to update my blog --- for Pete's sake it's been how many days since I did that?! Oh anyway I decided to upload new photos in Friendster (check it out haha!) and change my profile just for the kicks. I also dropped by a newfound friend's blog and read it... I can actually relate to her! I think we're on the same line of thinking and I can't wait to meet her. Small world, actually. She knows one of our business partners in Cebu.

On the brink of tears...
Yes, blame it on whatever hormones are eating me up (is it progesterone or estrogen? I'm just very positive it's not testosterone heheheh!!) but I'm often on the brink of tears for silly and small reasons.
Like what?
Like friendship. Yeah I know it's not a very god reason to cry unless you fall in love with your gay bestfriend who steals your boyfriend from you, but the main reason I cried (again) today is because of friendship. I was just touched by some divine light from heaven that's why I cried.
Friends, as they say, come and go. There are the old ones, the new ones. Those hard to find and hard to keep, and those easy to find and still hard to keep. There are those who are hard to find and easy to keep, easy to find and easy to keep. I have friends that fall in each and every category there is in "FRIENDSHIP", and believe me, Friendster cannot really contain and define them all.
There's this particular friend I would like to thank... I've known her for some time now, but we never really get the chance to talk a lot and bond because the timing was just not right. From the stories that I've heard about her, I know she's a good person and from the way she writes about things I know she's got the brains. I just wish I've taken the time to know her better and bond together because she is one of the most precious people in our life (Sweetie & me). Abie, thanks so much for everything. For taking care of Andre when I was not yet there in his life and for offering unconditional friendship. For the good memories you left with him that he shares with me. For continuously supporting him regardless of what. For the times that he needed someone to confide to, you were there to listen and give advice. For being wacky and smart... I like reading about your blog. For being an idealist, who never stops believing and giving us the guts to go for the pot of gold (even if sometimes the rainbow is nowhere to be seen). For being Abie, thanks so much.
We might not have taken the chance to really sit and talk... more of really hi's & hello's. I never really had the chance to tell you that I like you (as a friend... puede din hardcore lesbo action if you're open to it, hehehehe!!) and that you're one of the kindest and smartest peeps I know. Thanks for everything. Thanks for being a part of our lives. Thanks for being Ryu Anakin's cool ninang (turuan mo na lang magyosi yung anak ko pag uwi mo hehehe!).
I just want you to know that you are appreciated.
I wish we can take the time to stop and smell the roses together soon. I know we'd be painting the town red together.
Keep on posting, girl!

And for all of my friends out there... space is not enough to tell you how much I love you all. Thank you so much for being my friends and being a part of me. YOu all rock my world!

Afternoon Delight...

Gonna find my sweetie, gonna hold him tight
And we're gonna have some afternoon delight...

I just figured out my world revolves around him lately, and this is not good... er... maybe.

We didn't have any arguments today, this is amazing! He went here lunchtime, I cooked lunch for him and we spent the day watching DvDs, planning on things and eating (that also includes eating each other, harharhar!)

Yes, I'm quite happy today. I've had my fill on sweet stuff, including him.

Milestones for the day: Not much. We didn't argue, and that's a good sign. He's better at understanding me now. My lubes are back to normal (hehehehe...) and we had a road test a while ago, nyahahhahaa!!!

I'm really quite excited for Friday. Raechie and the gang are coming over for a visit and some small talk. I'm looking forward to meeting them, it's been quite sometime since we last saw each other and I really miss those guys. Especially that Mommy Patt is not doing great, now is the time to have some breakie! Ate Tin will be coming over too, and this is surely a blast. I hope Chase, Leslie, Arvee and Mommy Arl can come too because if they do, I'm gonna throw a party. Big business coming up, haha.

To sum it all up:

Today, I am happy.

I am happy because...

Sweetie came over and we spent the day together.
My lubes are back to normal, it's gonna be one helluva ride up until September mwahahaha.
Sweetie received a message from Merck Sharpe & Dohme, asking him to come for an interview. Finally, a prospective job for mi amour!
I cooked lunch, though if my doc knows about it, she'll really disapprove.
I ate a lot.
My dad was nice to me.
Sakura didn't bother me.
My mom bought me pastries from Delifrance.
I found potential business partners.
I got an inspiring tagboard message from Abie. (Hey girl, if you can read this.. thanks. Means a lot.)
I made a new friend in Cebu.
Sweetie kissed me a lot. We kissed a lot. I like kissing.
I realized there's a lot more to "BEDrest". Hehe.
I'm actually liking not going to work (uh-oh...)
I'm going to bed pretty early and feeling ok (THIS IS A MILESTONE, considering the horrible experiences I'm going through)
God still loves me.

I just realized that happiness is just around the corner if I look for it. True happiness is learning to accept what's going on around you and appreciating the simple things in life.

Someone asked me just now: "Are you happy?
I told her, "Sometimes."
"Why 'sometimes'?"
"I'm happy sometimes --- like now, this is a rare occasion. Only sometimes... because if I'm happy most of the time, I'd never appreciate happiness as it is."

Hey, at least I'm still alive. I still live, love and give. Somebody still lives, loves and gives for me. That's enough reason to be happy.

Wish it could go on like this forever though.

God Save the Baby

And also, the queen who carries the baby in her tummy.

Just saw my doctor today, Sweetie accompanied me. My tummy still hardens and aches, and mee oh my oh, this is really a tough pregnancy. Confined to the bed, yes I am. Prisoner of my own house, of my own parents, of my own world, of my own life. I'm so fuckin' depressed again... well, not that depressed anymore but still... I am.

Milestones for the day: None. Save for some cuddling and smoochfest with the sweetheart and the shocking news...a friend was just abandoned (is this the correct term?) by her husband, and I can't help but cry. This is not over reacting, as Sweetie insisted, but more of being sympathetic. I just can't imagine her being left by her hubby with their two lovely daughters. I cried because I felt her pain (hey, I'm a woman too!) and I just thought that "What if it happened to me?". Good God, I cannot bear the thought, so I shunned it away. Sweetie might have sensed it, so he assured me. Lots of hugs and kisses. Lots of tickles. But not enough to really shun the bad feeling away.

I feel bad and sorry for that friend. We never had the chance to talk a lot and bond together while I was still at my previous job, but she's such a sweet and nice lady and I'm just very thankful to have her around. Maybe, this is the chance to finally reach out and talk about things. She's one of the kindest people I know, and she doesn't deserve to be treated this way! Not by anyone, not even her husband. As a woman, I know the hurts and the pains of being turned away by the one you love the most (and the one who loved you the most). How many times did I have that feeling? The pain, the misery, the heavy emotions deep down that scar your soul. I never wanted to venture into that dimension anymore. And I don't want any of the people close to me to wander into that, too.

But you cannot prevent what happens to you, or the people around you. Call it destiny, fate or karma... but that is what life is made of.

The only way to fight is to be strong. Acknowledge your weakness and move on.

Seize the day, for tomorrow, we die.

Daydream Believer

This time, it's not Sweetie who broke my heart.

This time, it's my parents. And I want to die.

Received a tagboard message from good good good abie: UPDATES. But no I'm not in the mood for an update, after how 2 months of staggering and lagging made me a sloth and a clash between a daydream believer and a psycho. I'm so fucking broken-hearted and depressed that if there is a truckload of Jews for the Holocaust, I'd gladly jump right in.

Where do I start? Ok. Here's the list:

1. My pregnancy has complications. I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and there MIGHT be a possibility that little sweetie will be born prematurely. Fuckshit. My cervix is not totally closed (it's dilated, like eyeballs do when you have a dose of "E". Ask voodoo doll about it, she knows.) and I have to have a bedrest. For a fidgety gal like me? Nah-ah. So what if Ryu's gonna be a premature baby? Dahlin', I DO have a job but sweetie doesn't have one and we need cash. We don't want to totally depend on my folks. That leads to number two.

2. My folks are total killers. I can't understand them! They're driving me crazy!! On one instant, they've approved of our situation (Me and Sweetie are living together now, ayt?) but then the next thing we knew, they're asking us to part ways?! Their reason: You're not yet married. It doesn't look good if you continue living together under the same roof. Andre has to move out.
Don't they understand that I need Sweetie more than ever now? Horror of all horrors.
And then, they asked to meet up with Sweetie's dad. No prob. Tito Tommy is cool (Sweetie's dad), but it turned out to be a disaster when my parents started talking. No, make that --- my Mom started to do the talking. I didn't know what the problem is, until I discovered: my mom didn't like the way Sweetie and I confronted each other one crazy night. I was really throwing a temper tantrum and out of displeasure and wanting to make me stop, Sweetie shouted at me. I didn't mind him, I continued to cry and scream. But I didn't know that my mom had a different angle to that situation. Tito Tommy said that it's normal for couples to really argue, and he advised me to just be in control and compromise with each other. My parents just had a different viewpoint. Tito Tommy told me that their house is always open and that I am family.

But what is done is done.

That night, we were on our separate ways.

He cried.

I cried even more.

Imagine sleeping alone on a bed, next to a ghost of memories.
I was so used to hugging him tight before we sleep and he would always kiss me goodnight and assure me that everything's gonna be fine as long as hang on together. We would always talk about our dreams and plans. He would wake up in the middle of the night to fix the blanket, just to make sure I don't get cold. There were times when I would disturb him because of my leg cramps.
On mornings like this, he would wake me up with another kiss and tell me "Sweetie, you're going to be late again. Wake up. Are you feeling ok?".
On afternoons, we would have a smoochfest and plan on strolling around the block and grab some barbecue.
But that night, it was different. And so are the next few nights. And so was last night. And how much more tonight and the nights after?
He told me he loves me so much... which made me cry harder because I never expected him to tell me that. Just him being there for me is more than enough. Even though we fight at times and don't see each other eye to eye but hey, it's more than enough.
Then he told me what his greatest dream is. It's not having enough money to buy a fancy car or a big house. It's having money to spend for the wedding and marry me. Because he wants to be with me. Because that is his dream.
I just cried. I never told him how much I love him... I cannot measure that. But I told him that I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness and my own life for his sake. I hope he got the point.

Now, we're both trying to adjust to the situation, although I can't sleep well at night anymore. On days like this, I feel tired and restless. At the office, I try to smile and do my job but I'm still bothered. When I go home, it's another painful day and I have to rest. Another painful day to pass me by.

We still see each other, although not everyday anymore. We only see each other twice a week, thanks to my parents!

When I become a parent soon, I'm not gonna insist what I want with my son. I want him to love me, not hate me because I'm controlling his life. We are all children of our parents, but we do not owe our life to them completely. We owe our lives to ourselves.

How long will this last?

My tears have dried. And so will my soul.

What Are Siths Made Of?

Fear leads to Anger. Anger leads to Hatred. Hatred causes Suffering.
Yoda might as well have ripped this off from the Sutras of Buddhism, but today I exactly understood how a Sith is made and why Gautama and Yoda say the same thing.

I accidentally bumped into my imaginary friend Raechie while bristling in a heated argument (while walking, for Peter Pan's sake!) with The Sweetie --- as usual. I immediately fled from him, clutched my friend's arm and held onto dear life. Apparently, Raechie is meeting up with Mikey (geez, after breaking his heart... awww c'mon...) and they're watching the Revenge of The Sith (Star Wards Episode III). Mikey reserved 5 tickets... and only the two of them are coming. They tagged me along, but I declined, for obvious reasons and besides Sweetie and I already watched the movie in Gateway Mall some days ago. And yeah, I don't want to watch it again because I'm busy figuring out how to repel the Dark Side of the Force that is bothering me.

What are Siths made of? Siths are every much the same way like the Jedis, except that the Jedis are selfless and care about the good of all... unlike the Siths who only care about power, power, and more power. Today, I realized that an Anakin Skywalker lives within me (not only because we'll be naming the baby Anakin). I am willing to relent to the Dark Side just to save my loved one... except that He does not want to be saved.

Yesterday I told him that he brings out all the bad things in me. And today, he proved me I was right. Well, he doesn't know much about it, but it only breaks my heart to know that the man I love is not the man I really would like to love. It all takes a matter of acceptance, but how can I accept someone who doesn't accept me? He makes me feel like I'm an inferior, subterranean creature that lurks in the shadows. Everything I do for him is not good for him... I try my best, but as the cheesy line goes... I guess my best wasn't good enough. I feel like crying again, but this time no tears flowed. I reached the end of the line. Later, when he tries to hold me again, I'll ask him straight out: Would you like to end this game? I'm so fucking tired already.

I discussed the issue with one of my girl friends and she told me to hang on and it's just normal to be emotional like this especially with my condition. Maybe, she's right. When I tried to approach him, he recoiled. Now, we're on separate ways. I'm going North, he's heading South. And the question is: when are we going to lead our separate lives? Patience is no longer part of my virtues, so does benevolence. I tried to live as best as I could for him, but my efforts are not appreciated.

Now, I'm exacting my revenge. Should there be a Revenge of the Sith 2?

On Breakies and Tagboards

Breakie (n.) a discussion of like minds and complementing personalities at a coffee shop, or restaurant; (v.) to share your dreams, problems, heartaches, embarrassing moments, etc. with crazy people.

Yesterday's breakie still lingers on my memory as I happily kill the ants crawling up and down my legs while typing (reminds me of Chase and his Kenneth Uy fantasies hehehe...). I really missed that insane council, and kudos to Leslie, Cherrie and Ate Arvee for finally taking the time for a breather. And yes, I needed a breather too -- even though I don't have dough to bake -- just to steer clear from the myriads of worries clouding my mind.

We had lunch at Gerry's in Park Square, and thanks to my office friends... they made me feel better about my condition. TO LESLIE: Thanks soooo much for taking the time to attend one of the breakie sessions and for accompanying me on the way home. Cherrie and Leslie told me I look good, thanks. I felt much better now, considering the fact that for the past few weeks I was burried in sweat and grime at home, dying with boredom. Being big and bloated really has its ups and downs. I really enjpy their company and it's just sad that I left them in the company, but at the same time I'm very happy for my batchmates because they made it to the top --- almost half of them are already "supervisors" and one is already in the Admin. Good Job, Batch 9!!
As usual, we talked about almost everything under the sun and what's the buzz in the office. At least I'm kept posted on what's happening. Sigh. I feel a wave of nostalgia and couldve-beens popping in my head. Enough said. We'll be seeing each other more, I hope!

By the way... I applied for a new job as an English Instructor Associate at some learning center. Pay is minimum, but it's better than nothing. I really hope I'd be able to make it, since little Ryu is due on September and I have to save, even though I dunno if I really like the job. But again, it's better than nothing.

Issue on tagboards:
Why is everybody trying to change the appearance of their blogs and missing out the tagboards? One example is Abie. Another one is Jem. (the bitch didn't even notify me of her new blogger address... if you read this, better notify me NOW). I asked Abie why (posting the message on the comment corner, of course) and she replied (on my tagboard, how ironic) that she got tired because of anonymous postings. Yeah, she has a point. Should I consider deleting mine too?
Think. Think. Think.

This day is average, although I felt something wrong with Sweetie. Curt text messages, no hint of sweetness. Am I missing out something? What did I do wrong? Hello, talk about progesterone making me extra paranoid?

And then... I figured out. I told him yesterday that IF he has the time to go out, he can check my e-mail for me. Apparently, he already did coz I checked my mail just now. Horror of horrors... the American Playmate messaged me. And so did my ex. Maybe that explains it... geez. That means that he READ my messages, marked them as unread. And he never reported them to me. Where's the trust? No, Mariko... YOU always blow up that trust. Just when it's strating to be ok. I hope I'm wrong.

Mariko, you're messing up again. Don't fuck up now.

Little Ryu is rumbling inside my tummy. Feels funny, though. But I can't laugh, not now, when realizations dawns upon me once more...

I screwed up and it feels not so good.

Wild World

Yeah, baby it's really a wild world.

Haven't written here since I resigned from that company, which is approximately a month from now. Who would? I mean, the computer has been a mess, not to mention that I mess up my life too for the past few weeks. But here's the good side --- I've been staying with Sweetie and we're living in together until God knows when. Maybe up until the baby is born, or longer than that... but I'm not really hoping. I just savor the moment.

What did I learn?

That L-I-F-E is how you make it. And if you decide to BS your way into it, you really end up in a bunch of shit and screw up your asshole. Moral of the story: clean up your mess before the flies swarm into it.

That Sweetie is a nagger. Ho-hum. He likes to nag about a lot of things --- from messy rooms to disobedient siblings, a carefree father and a munchkin little brother. Although I'm starting to know more about him, I don't think that I'm really turned off. IN fact, I loved him more because of his flaws and unpretentiousness. But in fairness, he's really sweeeeet. Makes my knees turn into jelly. But hey-ho... Sweetie's a little tough like me. And way to damn stubborn. Like me.
I really dunno what to expect out of this relationship. Sometimes I wonder, if things had been different, would we end like this? Good side of the story: YIPEE!! He tells me he loves me. I believe him, but a part of me is still hesitant to accept it. Maybe because I'm just being cautious not to give my all, but I know that somehow, I would. Ironically, when things get frustratingly confusing, I just hold on to the fact that I know that he loves me. I love him, too.

That my mom is the most unexplained woman this earth has ever given birth to. No need to further explain.

That it's sooooo depressing to be a bum. That BS pharma company didn't give me any more updates of whether they'll accept a preggy model like me or what. Out of good faith, I told them that I am expecting my Little Sweetie sometime this year. And the usual palusot: We'll let you know. Well, I'll let YOU know, bummers --- you'll never find someone as smart and dedicated and competitive as me, and it's a shame you've let go of a big fish! 'Nuf said.

Where am I going?

None. Still don't know. But I'm hoping that after I see my little angel in September, I'll straighten out my life. Regrets have no space for me. I have to move on.

C'est la vie.

Crumbling Crackers

So much for job hunting. Yesterday, I broke my Sweetie's heart and it felt oh so bad.

I already mentioned that I am resigning and I'm tagging him along as well, ne? Well, doomsday is about to come (I call it more of Salvation Day, harhar) and of course we have to have a job ASAP -- y'know, responsibilities, responsibilities! So off we went to Dear Old Mommy and asked for referral. We applied in this big tough pharmaceutical firm, without realizing and knowing what we are getting ourselves into. Of coursed, we passed the qualifying exam (with a combined IQ of 140? who are you kidding, hehe!) and we already passed the 2 sets of interviews. This company is really tough, and we still have to go through a total of 4 interviews -- and so far we already went through the 3rd interview. Was it a blast? I think so, for me. But not for him.

He thought he blew it. I'm really frustrated and sad and depressed for him, but I didn't know what to do. He keeps on blaming himself for being such a bummer at the interview and I couldn't help but be disappointed. I wanted to poke my little index finger at him and tell him that he should be more optimistic and pleasant, but I couldn't. God, how I wanted to console him, put my arms around him and tell him it's going to be ok. But I can't. I just kept quiet all throughout because I know that one wrong line would totally snuff him out. Arrrrrrggghhhh. So much for being idealistic me.

Can't help but blame myself, either. In the first place, I was the one who prodded him to try this out and put my Mom's name as his reference because I know she's a bigshot in the industry and would help him somewhat but turns out the other way. This company has this sick policy that if you're married and both employed with them, one has to go. They can't help scrutinizing the fact that we're "lovers" and jumps into this stupid conclusion that we're gonna marry somehow (which is wishful thinking for me, *chuckles*). Anyway, I think it's partly Sweetie's fault too because when asked how he knew my mom, he told them it's his girlfriend's mother. Damn. If this was another case, I'd be more than happy to accept the fact that he finally had the guts to tell others that (and that would put an end to my eternal question: Where do I stand?) but this is anotehr case. When he informed me what he told them, I didn't know what to say, how to react. I was happy, yes, but I know the truth: I am never his girlfriend and he would never love me. And it would always boil down to the fact that I, Mariko, am just another of his passing fancy. Bullshit.

What was my motive? Why did I tag him along? I wanted him to build a career, wanted to get him a job so he would be able to make his ends meet. I wanted to help him, and let him succeed in life. Nevermind about me. I know I could always fend for my self, but before I go, I wanted him to be in A-ok condition. I wanted to be sure that I'll be leaving him perfectly fine and doing great in his life.

Sigh.

We ended up having dinner in G-belt and talked about it. Talked about some things as well, and perspectives on love and life. Can't help getting hurt from what I knew, but life must go on. I already resigned myself to the fact that after a few months from now I will be a part of his past. Another girl of his past. Another passing fancy, another one who loved him so well.

At least, I got to know him as him. At least, even for just a short time I was able to love him... at least I got Little Sweetie. It doesn't matter to me now where this road will lead us to, but I'll just savor each and every moment I am with him.

The time will come when I have to go. And I shouldn't cry --- again.

Bring my heart back

Everyday seems more and more hopeless.

Where is the drive? Where is the old Mariko I used to know? She was hidden somewhere out there, in the stacks of boredom and ecstasy piled high in a room of probabilities and impossibilities. I can't believe that all of this is happening to me right now --- suddenly, I am at a lost. I don't know where I am going, what am I doing and who the hell I really am.

Yeah, fuck it. Fuck it badly, man.

What do I really want to do? It's like Shakespeare's "To be or not to be" line, and in this crossroad that I am trying to traverse, I cannot hit two birds with one stone.

Let's start off with the biggest shock of my life:

Today, I visited one of my friends' blog. It has been quit some time since I last posted something here so I was damn excited to browse, browse and browse. And lo and behold! HE posted something in the tagboard of the dear ol' friend. Fuck, man. The last thing I wanted is for him to find out about THIS blog. I don't want him to know how I feel. Princess Tutu, some shit this is! And who's the "Angelica" who posted something on the tagboard? Uh-oh. I don't wanna be paranoid, but it's eating me up...

Next ---

I'm resigning. Good Lord Gracious, I want my ass out badly on that goddamn company. Lord, I know I'm not a good girl but please don't let me stay in that hell anymore. I've had enough mental, emotional and physical torture and the last thing I wanted is to let my dreams crumble away in the fires of that office. Dante's Inferno would be put to shame by that company. I still haven't talked to Dear Miss Team Manager yet, and I do hope she agrees.
Every day that I have a shift, I have to literally drag myself out of bed. And I always don't feel good. The demons in that office are worse than I am. Please please please I want to be out. As much as possible, I want to be out NOW.

Little Sweetie.

The darn little munchkin is eating me up alive! I developed this habit of watching those cheesy soaps in Channel 2 and believe me, it must be those raging hormones that drive my tears to above sea level. There are times when I hate Little Sweetie, but there are times when I would succumb to the thought of taking care of him and cherishing him. Well, I think it depends on the way the father treats me. And speaking of which, lately I don't think that he treats me okay. I understand that he has more important things to do than sit up, cuddle up and do those fuzzy wuzzy shit but oh well.

How long would you sacrifice, Mariko? You've always been the self-sacrificing devil that you are, always believing in ever-afters and silver stars. Moonbeams are not from the moon, my dear. And don't expect that all the missing pieces of your lost heart will be returned to you. If you must, you should continue living alone and dance in the infinite sadness of the song that plays in your head.

I don't know where all this is leading to. Maybe he already knows. I wanted to prove that I am strong, but deep inside I am weak. My strength comes from the knowledge that I must continue to fight, half the battle is not yet won. This is just the beginning, and I already lost myself completely.

Bring me back my heart.

The Look of Love...

...is in my eyes ---I can hardly wait to hold him, feel my arms around him.
Can't help staring at the man sleeping on my bed. And yes, this is like a fairytale come true. Here I am, typing my fingers away on my crunchy keyboards, hoping that he wouldn't wake.

Sigh.

This is too good to be true.

I'm looking again at him, mee-oh-my-oh! I really can't help myself. He's like Apollo on the bed of Venus (which is me, ahem!) and there he lies in his sleep... I can go on forever ranting about this, citing words of wisdom from the aged fables and myths, comparing him to the numerous gods gracing every religion's pantheon.

Another sigh.

He's sooo... soooo... words cannot even describe him. I am left speechless on how to describe the way he looks while he sleeps peacefully on MY bed. Hah! Full of reclamation and possession, yes I am! This is the man who will father my child, the man who will return my passionate kisses, the man who will embrace me on those cold dark nights. The man who will love me in return.

The same man who is the crux of all my fears, my insecurities and tears. The same man whom I cried over these past few months. The same man who, I never see the future with. Perhaps. The future is always vague, and unless I rely on my divination talents again, I can never know.

And there, he sleeps on my bed. The man of my dreams is caught up in his own dreams. Am I the one in it... or is it somebody else...?

Here I go again with my paranoia.

He looks so handsome against the white sheets, the gentle wind from the airconditioning making his hair dance like grass on the hillside. Can't help sighing and staring at this man on my bed. Some will say that I am a lucky girl --- a big catch huh. But no. I don't think so... if only things are different, then I'd consider myself as lucky.

If only he'd tell me (even as a mumble in his sleep) what he thinks or feels for me, then I'll stop this non-sense.

I'll continue to look at him, stare at him while he sleeps. I'll continue to feel his breath against my cheeks as I lay next to him later. Tonight, he's all mine.

I love you. Perhaps I really do. Can you see it in my eyes, Sweetie?

Menage A Trois! Nyahahahaha... Can you handle this? 

Yum! Yum! Eating our hearts out in GBelt... 

Food is great when it's free! 

Morning Sickness

Yes, I'm experiencing them now.
I wanted to puke and let out all of the things I ate --- let's see --- the ground beef California Burrito from yesterday's pig-out in Mexicali, the Spam sandwich i made at breakfast, the sour cream and onion-flavored chips my little Munchkin and I were gorging on a few minutes ago...

Ugh. I hate this feeling!

What's more, I am suffering from hunger pangs and whenever I eat, I feel like throwing up an hour after! And, not to mention the dizziness that is constantly tagging at my head... I can't even see clearly the letter I'm typing, dammit. I feel so lazy, so immobile, so... *sigh*

I wish he's here to comfort me, tell me that he's sorry that I am experiencing all this shit and assure me he'd be there always... but hell, no. Not even a text message from the sperm donor.
Thanks so much. Where the heck are you, anyway? I want my green mangoes dipped in salt and sugar right away.

I want to cry. Part of the hormonal changes, I suppose. Again, thoughts swimming like piranhas in my head, ripping off my brain cells. I just put down the phone, after an hour of girl chat with soon-to-be godmother Blowfish. I want to run like crazy, stalk my Ex-bfs and then cry and sleep. Tonight, I'm coming again to work (after 4 days of total bumming) and I'm not in the mood. Must make up some lame excuse again, ho-hum.

I'm going through my messages again in my cellphone. A message from last night's Sweetie was forgotten to be deleted. I looked over it again and again.. should I erase this now?

"Ah, ok... Cge sleep tyt & swt dreams. Miss u po"
(He was asking me about my day, so I gave him a rundown of what I did and told him I'm gonna sleep coz I'm reallyyyyy dizzy. Then came this reply. Haha.)

Gave me the jittery-jellybeany-wateryknees feeling again. He missed me? Amazing. Can't help but smile. No, I wouldn't delete this message yet, I want to savor each and every word.

I miss you too, sweetie.

Out of Town Trips

The Gang's on the loose...

Bringing back those good ol' out of town memories...
And me clutching onto that red wine like holding for dear life. My oh my! What could be better on days like this (you know, when you're bumming around the house, waiting for something to happen) than to browse through your hard disk and find these pics stashed somewhere in the computer's memory? Harhar. Save the last glass for me.

I just remember those days when the gang ( Blowfish and the "boyfie", me and the... erhmm.. friend ) used to have those mini out-of-town gigs which always turn out to be some sort of overnight escapades. A good way of de-stressing and hieing off away from the non-stop calls. We would have fun together, go somewhere different, stop at gas stations to grab something to eat then pose for the camera to say hi and capture those moments. YEah, believe me... Kodak would run out of business if we say "cheese"... I just miss those days.

I can't find anything nice (nice???) and meaningful to do today, except to bum around the house, wait for my Mom to scream the magic words at me, and take care of my little munchkin (who is, by the way, hovering like a crazy Mohican in the sala). SO here I am, eager and decided to update my blog -- finally. I still have hang-ups from HIS last night's visit (you DEFINITELY know who I'm talking about, ne?) and don't forget the kisses and the warm hugs and soft cuddles and the passionate lovemaking in-between. I was, again, tempted to tell him that I love him (what?? I now do?? -- Yes, you do...) but, as always, I shut up. This is not yet the right time, the voice in my head tells me. But yet, another little voice keeps telling me that I tell him now. It's now or never.

Whatever.

For the meantime, I wouldn't think about it yet. He may not tell me, but I can feel it.

And yes, I sneaked again today. I hacked into his account and read messages from his Great Ex. Great, Mariko. Just great. And yes, I cried. Ignorance is indeed bliss. I shouldn't have done it. Curiosity killed the cat. I always do that --- and it's me who cries in the end, reprimanding myself for being such a snoop, and scolding myself endlessly for being such a sentimental little fool. Yes, I know that past is past... but... well how do I put it? I was just not ready. Not ready to see those messages that still haunt me, echoing through my eyes and ears like a maniac playing his Violin with a strange technique. Opus of the Demons.

And those demons are still mine.

They always are my demons, and I cannot exorcise them out of my system. Not yet. I just wanted to know where I stand, and where I'd go next before I finally extinguish the flames of hell that are torturing me madly, deeply.
Those messages still sting, and I know that I could never compare to his Great Ex, and can't help thinking if he looks at me the way he looked at her... if he would say the same to me if I go and leave, the same thing that he told her. If he would love me as much as he loved her, or even more... or am I just another lovesick fool with a bitter heart and a weary soul, trying to find salvation in the arms of a not-so-sure-I'm-still-on-a-rebound man?

Here I go again with my musings. It's a bright sunny day today.. I should be out prancing and dancing in the sunshine... but here I am, stuck in my room, thoughts swimming through my head.

This is not good for my little sweetie. Where are you Yang? I need a chocolate bar and lots of assurance.

Mee-Oh-My-Oh

Bye Bye, Mr M...
He's finally out of my life --- thanks to the sweet little text the new girlfriend sent me, harharhar. That's all I wanted to know and all I wanted to hear, to satisfy my inner curiosity and demons. For all the things we went through together, Thanks. I owe you one, my dear Mr M. But don't worry, life doesn't end here. This is just the beginning... I still hold the Ace. Harharhar.
Apparently, and very obviously --- you're on the rebound. Yeah, savor the moment while it lasts, you little bitch. And then, come home to momma.
Harharhar.

Expecting the Unexpected.
My sister Yang. What else? I do not only miss the pretty thing, but I am also looking forward to the next happening and girl bonding that we have.
And yes, I know that she will be there to take of my little sweety. Another harharhar. What else could be sweeter than to expect the unexpected?

Under The Sea Creatures.
My friend blowfish is having some serious pros-and-cons wondering about the "boyfie" (Is he, really?). We need to talk and straighten out some things, and this calls for a long session of girl talk and bonding --- should I take out the hankies and the cigs? Nah... the hankies, perhaps, but not the cigs. As per Paul: I'm starting on CLEAN LIVING.

Lovesick Daisies.
And roses. And lavenders. Whatever. The eternal question of What-ifs still hang on the other side of the cliff, but for the meantime, I don't really care. I'm busy contemplating about some serious things... like shoving my fist up my ass for not being a thinking, smart little bitch that I am. Yeah yeah yeah... save the pineapples for Hitler.

Break Away

From having goosebumps to teary eyes, I realized one thing.
The best gift of time is taking it slow, without any expectations at all. To expect something in return would only harvest you further disappointments, and not to mention heartaches. Moral of the story: Let it be, let it be. Whatever will be, will be. There is a time and a season for everything, don't rush into things.

What are you most afraid of.
Just the other day, before our San Pablo stint, Blowfish finally confirmed my fears of a recent premonition. The "rival" and her bf finally called it quits, and what did little Miss Pink Panty do? Cried, yelped, panicked and cried some more. I even shed a couple of tears in the lockers, thanks to my imaginary friend Raechie and my gay boyfriend Chase who comforted me with words of encouragement. "Lahat ng tao tanga, Angge. Sige kung diyan ka magpapakasaya sa pagiging tanga, then go!" Thanks, Chase. I love my gay boyfriend. Always there to give me the oompph and the lift when I'm down. And yes, my dear... don't worry because I am happy with being stupid. I didn't tell them though the reason why I was crying. Only Blowfish knew... the era of Miss Pink Panty is close to its end. Hello, Judgement Day!

Lovesick Daisy.
Finally, Maier has added the final touches to her blog, kudos to you, girl! I miss my sister so much, and we don't have the time to shop and smoke and have coffee and annoy people together anymore, huhuhu... We still have a pending Red Box gig, and I sure am looking forward to it! Read her blog, and a line there touched me: "I am not going to be a lovesick daisy anymore". Way to go, girl! You're right, WE shouldn't be lovesick daisies anymore. WE should continue to live on our own, without thinking about those fuckin' boys who made us cry. And yeah, quit the Rockstar thing. He's not worth you at all. As for me... maybe I should stop being a lovesick daisy, but for the meantime, let me indulge in some more bittersweet chocolate cake before I finally lick off the icing from my fingers.

Cleaning the clutter.
Last Tuesday I cleaned my room and my closet and discovered the clutter that has evolved into trash. Symbolic of my cluttered life, yeah. So I cleaned 'em out and finally organized my closet, thank God. Bye bye Fruit Salad (I call my closet Fruit Salad because my clothes are REALLY disoriented, believe me). It felt so good, seeing that my room is clean and my clothes arranged neatly. I have discovered long-lost mementos from College and pictures of ex-boyfriends. How I miss my College friends... wish I'm back in school. Wish I could live my life again so I would be able to straighten out some things and issues. But well, no regrets. I only regret the things that I didn't do, but for all the things I have done, I loved them all.

Haircut.
Got a haircut and think it suits me, but how I miss my long, wavy hair. Oh well, at least they don't give me a hard time anymore whenever I give a blow job, haha.

The Sweetie, The Purple Dino and Mr M.
To all of you, you fools... I am starting to reorganize my life and you are the most fantastic thing that has ever happened to me. It started with The Purple Dino, then along came Mr M and now the culmination is with The Sweetie. You broke my heart, cheated on me and made me cry. I broke your heart, cheated on you and made you cry. We're just quits. Life is a foolish game, and if you gamble and lost, then play again. I finally mastered the art of holding back, and this time, I assure you... the next time I will love again, I'm gonna make sure it will last.
And no, the issue with The Sweetie isn't through yet. But like I told Blowfish, I am savoring it as long as it is here because my era is soon coming to its end. Damn. Why do I have psychic powers?

The Elements.
We went to San Pablo with Blowfish and Carlo and swam in a man-made ice-cold pool. And that was where I realized that I can discover my Path once again. I was a lost sheep, and now I am back in the business. Hail to thee, hail to thee! I was too caught up in my own world and materiality that I forgot who I am and what I was here for. Spirit has a way with things, and I am so thankful that I was there. I did not only get the chance to spend quality time with my friends and with myself, but it made me a stronger and calmer person. Om Shanti.

Dynastic Cycle.
And if my era is ending soon, I am not thinking more of it. I am creating my own fears and feeding it with all my negativity. Think of light, think of beauty, think of love. I work magic with my thoughts, and if I think more that it will happen, then it will be. Just be positive, and everything will turn out right. If he is not for me, then let him go. Some soul is out there to complete you. And life is just like that. We go round and round in circles. The only way to break free is to learn from your mistakes and move on. Live like there is no tomorrow. And then, break away.

Baby Girl...

He asked me if --- take note --- IF I already had sex with "him".
And this, my dear friends, is a bird's eye view of how Mr M thinks. My blog has finally robbed him of his senses and slowly poisoned his already vile blood and mind! Two syllables, baby: Ha. Ha. He was referring to "him" as The Sweetie of course... and up until now I never told him who The Sweetie is. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction, yaadaadaa!!
Honey, if you are reading this, I just wanted you to know that you are not the only man who can pump your dick into my hole and then do the pumping up until I'm high and dry. Nope, siree... you may be the best neck kisser and pussy licker that I had ever known since The Purple Dino (another ex bf, by the way...) but I'm gonna tell you this: I can now compare notes, bwahaahahaha! And I can tell you where YOU exactly score and stand in my red diaries. Scandalized? Shocked? Read on.

Ever since you asked me if I already did it with "him", I really felt so low and degraded. And happy and elated. A mixture of all of them, so to say. Jealous, huh? Yo, Mr M... I'm going to make your bulging eyes finally pop out from their lids and your pus-laden leg dry out with my erotic story. Curious? Read on.
(Note: to the reader who is not Mr M, if you are scandalized please do not continue reading. Well I know you'd read anyway... okay BUT I WARNED YOU, no regrets.)

Where do you want me to start? How about the time when he fingered me in our living room, underneath the pillows, while my whole clan and him were watching a music video by Kitchie Nadal? Nice soundtrack, baby.
And remember that time when we were browsing through photo albums up in my room and then we just did it and I swallowed your cum? Did it feel good? Yeah, so he told me... but this time it's not in my room, but in his room while his brother is sleeping. Beat that.
Sex on the beach? We did it... a couple of times when we were out there. Dogstyle, missionary... whatever you can name those shit. And we had a cold glass of martini afterwards. Yum.
The Sweetie likes it when I give him a head, so off I go... even when he is attending to a case (I'm just there, underneath the table, sssshhhh...) and while he is driving. Classic. But... he gives me one too, so that's even.
Pumping? Well Honey... he's like you as well. Pumps hard and fast and slow and sensual... and the good thing about him, like you, is that he doesn't cum fast. Which is good... and bad... because there was one time when I shouted YOUR name and not his. I remembered you, fuck you. It should've been HIS name, not YOURS that I should be moaning. Oh well, old habits die hard. I just made up for it by kissing him intensely. The same ol' Mariko tricks.
But one thing's for sure, I assure you: your dick is more normal than his. His is bigger and pinkish. And bent. Looks like a weird banana. You don't wanna believe me? I'm gonna show you the pics, come over here at my place.
Speaking of pics... you think you're the only one who can make a homemade video of the UST-CSB Scandal that we once produced? Sorry, but we were able to make one as well. And this time, it's kinkier, more fun and we have still shots. And I am assuring you again: this time, it's not gonna get lost! I'm gonna give you a free copy when we're through with it. We still have 60 more minutes to shoot, and we're thinking of filming our Boracay escapade. How's that? Another UST-CSB Scandal, but this time, it's part two and it's meaner. HA HA!

Am I getting into your nerves? Wanna know more? Naaaaahhh... I'm gonna save my grilling for another time. I don't want you to have a heart attack... lest it be charged against my conscience. I'm still your baby girl ne? But I could be your bitchy ex-gf too.

I told you, come back to me. I'm gonna show you the new tricks I learned.

Kissing 2004 Goodbye

Flirt Flirt Flirt!!

Happy New Year! Another year to live by...
And as what I have previously disclosed, I spent New Year's Eve at the office, with a headset pinning my ears to my head. I felt disappointed, unexcited and extremely anxious as the clock struck twelve and everybody was like wishing each other a happy new year. As if we'd have one, sigh. I'm still not soooo over with my love life, as it continuously drives me to the brink of insanity. Where the hell am I supposed to be in this year? Still another wanderer, indulging in my wanderlust and wandering in the vast expanse of dating (and mating). For short --- I am still at a lost.
Okay, so I have a job, I have friends and I have a so-called bf... or so I think. Whatever. The past few days before New Year have been tremendously stressful for me, considering that: a.) My Mom and I fought again. What's new... we always do. It's New Year and we're not on speaking terms. b.) I'm still in the confused stage with The Sweetie, although he's been acting reallllyyyy weird lately, but I don't really want to assume. I'm on the process of really hating him. Really. c.)Starfish is getting herself into some mess and I think I'm gonna be next. d.) I'm planning on moving out of my parents' house because they really are driving me nuts and I don't want them to find out that I'm "on the way" and I am so short of cash. And that's reason number five. Or Letter E. Whichever comes first.
Watched the fireworks from our office and can't help thinking of jumping out of the window. I was joking Leslie to come with me and commit suicide as the revelry starts at midnight... Mart just laughed and said it's really a Japanese thing, but deep down inside I AM FUCKING SERIOUS. Lately, I feel unhappy and unloved and taken for granted by people. I'm just paranoid, maybe. Or maybe I'm so damn right. It's so hard to be always on the giving end.
Giving what? Giving love that is unrequitted, giving everything for every thing that would not guarantee me anything at all. Giving unconditionally my self to someone whom I don't think will ever love me --- presently, or in the future. I think that I am just a toy. A fucking toy, a little dress-me-up-doll you can play with then leave anywhere when you're tired. Life is really hard, and it becomes harder every time. What keeps me surviving is the hope that someday, somehow... everything will be alright. And just how I wish.
The problem is with me. I know. I'm just too complicated, and I like to make my life as complicated as me. And I run too deep and careless and self-sacrificing and too emotional. And of course, I always end up being hurt. For the past year, there have been so many things that happened to me --- things that shaped my understanding of life and my future for this year. It's been one helluva year... and I loved it so well, even though some things didn't turn out right, but for me... every thing was great. Things happened for a reason, and to teach me valuable life lessons. Lessons like not playing with people's emotions and karma is just around. Friends come and go, and only the good and true ones remain. Love is never enough to stay in a relationship, and although it hurts a lot you have to sacrifice and let go. It's not easy loving somebody who doesn't love you back, and if you do, then it's true love. Familiarity breeds too much contempt. Always use protection when having sex coz you'll never know when the stork will visit you. You can tell a guy's thoughts and feelings about you when you kiss him. Etc. Etc.
But what is the best thing I learned so far?
Live, love, give and live again. Lifes too short to waste on unimportant matters, so grab every opportunity you can get. Carpe diem. For tomorrow, we die.
And I'll be kissing 2004 goodbye, with tears, heartaches, smiles and joys of all my life.
Hello, 2005.
Happy New Year.