The Look of Love...

...is in my eyes ---I can hardly wait to hold him, feel my arms around him.
Can't help staring at the man sleeping on my bed. And yes, this is like a fairytale come true. Here I am, typing my fingers away on my crunchy keyboards, hoping that he wouldn't wake.

Sigh.

This is too good to be true.

I'm looking again at him, mee-oh-my-oh! I really can't help myself. He's like Apollo on the bed of Venus (which is me, ahem!) and there he lies in his sleep... I can go on forever ranting about this, citing words of wisdom from the aged fables and myths, comparing him to the numerous gods gracing every religion's pantheon.

Another sigh.

He's sooo... soooo... words cannot even describe him. I am left speechless on how to describe the way he looks while he sleeps peacefully on MY bed. Hah! Full of reclamation and possession, yes I am! This is the man who will father my child, the man who will return my passionate kisses, the man who will embrace me on those cold dark nights. The man who will love me in return.

The same man who is the crux of all my fears, my insecurities and tears. The same man whom I cried over these past few months. The same man who, I never see the future with. Perhaps. The future is always vague, and unless I rely on my divination talents again, I can never know.

And there, he sleeps on my bed. The man of my dreams is caught up in his own dreams. Am I the one in it... or is it somebody else...?

Here I go again with my paranoia.

He looks so handsome against the white sheets, the gentle wind from the airconditioning making his hair dance like grass on the hillside. Can't help sighing and staring at this man on my bed. Some will say that I am a lucky girl --- a big catch huh. But no. I don't think so... if only things are different, then I'd consider myself as lucky.

If only he'd tell me (even as a mumble in his sleep) what he thinks or feels for me, then I'll stop this non-sense.

I'll continue to look at him, stare at him while he sleeps. I'll continue to feel his breath against my cheeks as I lay next to him later. Tonight, he's all mine.

I love you. Perhaps I really do. Can you see it in my eyes, Sweetie?

Menage A Trois! Nyahahahaha... Can you handle this? 

Yum! Yum! Eating our hearts out in GBelt... 

Food is great when it's free! 

Morning Sickness

Yes, I'm experiencing them now.
I wanted to puke and let out all of the things I ate --- let's see --- the ground beef California Burrito from yesterday's pig-out in Mexicali, the Spam sandwich i made at breakfast, the sour cream and onion-flavored chips my little Munchkin and I were gorging on a few minutes ago...

Ugh. I hate this feeling!

What's more, I am suffering from hunger pangs and whenever I eat, I feel like throwing up an hour after! And, not to mention the dizziness that is constantly tagging at my head... I can't even see clearly the letter I'm typing, dammit. I feel so lazy, so immobile, so... *sigh*

I wish he's here to comfort me, tell me that he's sorry that I am experiencing all this shit and assure me he'd be there always... but hell, no. Not even a text message from the sperm donor.
Thanks so much. Where the heck are you, anyway? I want my green mangoes dipped in salt and sugar right away.

I want to cry. Part of the hormonal changes, I suppose. Again, thoughts swimming like piranhas in my head, ripping off my brain cells. I just put down the phone, after an hour of girl chat with soon-to-be godmother Blowfish. I want to run like crazy, stalk my Ex-bfs and then cry and sleep. Tonight, I'm coming again to work (after 4 days of total bumming) and I'm not in the mood. Must make up some lame excuse again, ho-hum.

I'm going through my messages again in my cellphone. A message from last night's Sweetie was forgotten to be deleted. I looked over it again and again.. should I erase this now?

"Ah, ok... Cge sleep tyt & swt dreams. Miss u po"
(He was asking me about my day, so I gave him a rundown of what I did and told him I'm gonna sleep coz I'm reallyyyyy dizzy. Then came this reply. Haha.)

Gave me the jittery-jellybeany-wateryknees feeling again. He missed me? Amazing. Can't help but smile. No, I wouldn't delete this message yet, I want to savor each and every word.

I miss you too, sweetie.

Out of Town Trips

The Gang's on the loose...

Bringing back those good ol' out of town memories...
And me clutching onto that red wine like holding for dear life. My oh my! What could be better on days like this (you know, when you're bumming around the house, waiting for something to happen) than to browse through your hard disk and find these pics stashed somewhere in the computer's memory? Harhar. Save the last glass for me.

I just remember those days when the gang ( Blowfish and the "boyfie", me and the... erhmm.. friend ) used to have those mini out-of-town gigs which always turn out to be some sort of overnight escapades. A good way of de-stressing and hieing off away from the non-stop calls. We would have fun together, go somewhere different, stop at gas stations to grab something to eat then pose for the camera to say hi and capture those moments. YEah, believe me... Kodak would run out of business if we say "cheese"... I just miss those days.

I can't find anything nice (nice???) and meaningful to do today, except to bum around the house, wait for my Mom to scream the magic words at me, and take care of my little munchkin (who is, by the way, hovering like a crazy Mohican in the sala). SO here I am, eager and decided to update my blog -- finally. I still have hang-ups from HIS last night's visit (you DEFINITELY know who I'm talking about, ne?) and don't forget the kisses and the warm hugs and soft cuddles and the passionate lovemaking in-between. I was, again, tempted to tell him that I love him (what?? I now do?? -- Yes, you do...) but, as always, I shut up. This is not yet the right time, the voice in my head tells me. But yet, another little voice keeps telling me that I tell him now. It's now or never.

Whatever.

For the meantime, I wouldn't think about it yet. He may not tell me, but I can feel it.

And yes, I sneaked again today. I hacked into his account and read messages from his Great Ex. Great, Mariko. Just great. And yes, I cried. Ignorance is indeed bliss. I shouldn't have done it. Curiosity killed the cat. I always do that --- and it's me who cries in the end, reprimanding myself for being such a snoop, and scolding myself endlessly for being such a sentimental little fool. Yes, I know that past is past... but... well how do I put it? I was just not ready. Not ready to see those messages that still haunt me, echoing through my eyes and ears like a maniac playing his Violin with a strange technique. Opus of the Demons.

And those demons are still mine.

They always are my demons, and I cannot exorcise them out of my system. Not yet. I just wanted to know where I stand, and where I'd go next before I finally extinguish the flames of hell that are torturing me madly, deeply.
Those messages still sting, and I know that I could never compare to his Great Ex, and can't help thinking if he looks at me the way he looked at her... if he would say the same to me if I go and leave, the same thing that he told her. If he would love me as much as he loved her, or even more... or am I just another lovesick fool with a bitter heart and a weary soul, trying to find salvation in the arms of a not-so-sure-I'm-still-on-a-rebound man?

Here I go again with my musings. It's a bright sunny day today.. I should be out prancing and dancing in the sunshine... but here I am, stuck in my room, thoughts swimming through my head.

This is not good for my little sweetie. Where are you Yang? I need a chocolate bar and lots of assurance.

Mee-Oh-My-Oh

Bye Bye, Mr M...
He's finally out of my life --- thanks to the sweet little text the new girlfriend sent me, harharhar. That's all I wanted to know and all I wanted to hear, to satisfy my inner curiosity and demons. For all the things we went through together, Thanks. I owe you one, my dear Mr M. But don't worry, life doesn't end here. This is just the beginning... I still hold the Ace. Harharhar.
Apparently, and very obviously --- you're on the rebound. Yeah, savor the moment while it lasts, you little bitch. And then, come home to momma.
Harharhar.

Expecting the Unexpected.
My sister Yang. What else? I do not only miss the pretty thing, but I am also looking forward to the next happening and girl bonding that we have.
And yes, I know that she will be there to take of my little sweety. Another harharhar. What else could be sweeter than to expect the unexpected?

Under The Sea Creatures.
My friend blowfish is having some serious pros-and-cons wondering about the "boyfie" (Is he, really?). We need to talk and straighten out some things, and this calls for a long session of girl talk and bonding --- should I take out the hankies and the cigs? Nah... the hankies, perhaps, but not the cigs. As per Paul: I'm starting on CLEAN LIVING.

Lovesick Daisies.
And roses. And lavenders. Whatever. The eternal question of What-ifs still hang on the other side of the cliff, but for the meantime, I don't really care. I'm busy contemplating about some serious things... like shoving my fist up my ass for not being a thinking, smart little bitch that I am. Yeah yeah yeah... save the pineapples for Hitler.