My Inner Goddess

You Are Psyche! Eternally in search of purpose and insight.You're curious and creative with a total sense of wonder.Totally empathetic, you pick up on other's moods easily.Just be sure to pamper yourself as well! What Goddess Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Christmas Woes

Merry Christmas.
I spent Christmas eve in my station, on a high-rise building somewhere out there in the city of skyscrapers. Blowfish cried, Starfish cried, and Clamshell cried, too. Woe to the sea creatures who had salty beef and packed lunch for Noche Buena and took irate calls. And The Sweetie? Still the same. Nothing has changed.
It's been quite a while before I managed to post something in here --- too much of everything has happened, and I feel like my life is in fast forward mode.
Let me give us an update of what has happened the past few days:
1. Blowfish, Starfish and Clamshell = FYI: it's Jhana, Kat and Yours Truly respectively. For the past few weeks, we have bonded over crazy stories, romance overtures, out of this world philosophies, green jokes and camaraderie. Why the fish names? We're fishy. Don't ask why. I just realized that there's more to life than dealing with Priority Club Crappers and steadily falling in love with a guy who doesn't even return the feeling. Yes, steadily falling in love, and now, I'm steadily letting go. Thanks to Blowfish --- you open my eyes to reality and I could never thank you enough. Especially those wicked nights we spend together in Tagaytay and Makati Avenue... to think that I once had a penchant for wringing your neck because you are slithering all over like a snake on my ex-bf's arms! Geez. Hahaha.
2. The Sweetie = another ???? on my hypothalamus database. He is the sweetest, most fantastic thing since I fell in love with Mr M, but now I knew better. I don't want to compare (quoting The Sweetie of course) but because I have learned from past relationships already, I am finally in control of myself. Yes, I am faaaaallliiinnnnggggg... but like I said... I'm steadily letting go. God, don't make me an idiot again. And please don't make me do things that we would both regret. Things like giving in to the urge of hurting him emotionally (which, I doubt, will ever be effective) and things like making me want to get the family katana and shove it in my intestines. Yummy. 3 pesos per stick, anyone?
3. Mr M = poor guy, suffering from a leg infection. Voodoo DOES work. Seriously. To all you interested guys out there who's after on breaking MAriko's heart: I hope you get the picture.
4. Christmas = is the most insane and ugly Christmas I've ever had. And to add more insult to my injury, I'll be spending New Year's Eve in the office, too. Damn.
5. Red Moon = last Dec 24, the moon was red. And Winter Solstice has just begun. Ergo : bad luck, disaster, omen. Starfish and I were just talking about it in between calls and woe to our angel tongues and supernatural speculations... true enough, the largest earthquake after 40 years hit the Eurasian plate. What's next? Armageddon? It's not yet the end of the world, is it? Repent, or you will burn in Hell!

I don't care if the world ends right now. My world started its ending when I fell in love and got hurt. But for every ending, there's always a new beginning. There's always hope. I'd continue to love and get hurt. Fuck the shit, I don't care. Let the world end now, and I'd claim my sweet repose. Merry Christmas, Mariko.

Confident Sexy

You Are Confident Sexy You're one sexy chica, and you know it.You've got the confidence to strut your stuff...And approach any man who happens to catch your eye.You may make a guys run away, but the true men will appreciate your moxie. What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Cable Cars and Tangerine Stars

Woke up this morning, I was staring at the ceiling cracks...
Yeah, like I was singing Comfort in Your Strangeness by Cynthia A. Today is a neutral day... after having three days of lounging around in the house and doing nothing (ohhh... correction... I had a shagfest last Tuesday. Ok. So I wasn't lounging all throughout my days off, after all... *snickers*) I am finally going to work tonight. Wish me luck. I am going to see my lovely officemates again plus The Sweetie. (officially let me give him the nickname of The Sweetie for our sake of identifying the damn guy) And of course, don't forget the infamous Priority Crap members, ho-hum.
The Sweetie. It's like munching on battery-operated tangerine-flavored cable wires. YUM. (yeah, he's yummy... know what?!?! Sorry, can't disclose any information in here about my sex life since you've had enough from my previous postings, harharhar.) I can't really put into words -- and writing, for that matter-- how I feel about him. Last time we watched Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason and he was holding my hand. For Pete's and Judas' sake, forgive me but I can't help thinking about Mr M... that it could've been him sitting next to me and was the one holding my hand. My thoughts about the recent ex-bf quickly faded when The Sweetie smiled at me. Okaaaaayyyyy... so much for Mr M. I've got The Sweetie for the meantime. FOR THE MEANTIME.
And that, my dear friends is the hullahbalullah question that is fucking the bullshit out of my asshole. I asked Raechie (my imaginary friend, by the way... of course you all well know Raechie, ne?) "What's next to fuckness?" and she told me, "Nada. Go with the flow." Yeah right. Go with the flow. As if he feels something for me too... I dunno. I really dunno. I mean, he's sweet and everything (yeah, he's sweet down there too nyahahahhaa!!! that's why he earned the title "Sweetie", lol.) but emotions-wise... I am really at a loss in here. Help?
He makes me feel special, but on nights when I think about it, I can't help wondering if what he is showing me is true. It must just be Maya, or illusion, and I can't help thinking if it was just born out of obligation because I kissed him (note: I Kissed Him. If you see him, don't tell him I told you. I'm not a Kiss and Tell... I just KISS and WRITE. Got it? There's a big difference, even in the spelling, harhar) or if he is just careful not to hurt my emotions. Damn emotions. Why can't humans fuck without having to go through a series of mental notes and endocrinal mechanications in the hypothalamus? Dang. I wish I was a dog. Dog Dog Dog Doggy.
Am I falling? I asked Mikage if I was, he just clucked his tongue and told me "Hala ka." Yang is here, I tell her everything but I really can't decipher the encrypted codes that are written all over me. Am I falling? I don't want to.
I don't want to (Fuck you Yang, stop singing!!!) fall because I am honestly tired of going through the heartaches all over again. I love the feeling of being in love, but with The Sweetie... well... I like him. I like him a real lot and I do miss him. I miss the way he looks at me, the way he holds my hand, the way he kisses me and the way his arms encircle me... as if he'd never let me go. Please I don't want to fall. Not now. Not now.
And I still think of Mr M... I still do. But the way I see it, he's happy right now, living his own life and he's adjusted well without me. I am sincerely happy for him, and if he is contented like this, then it's good enough for me. I am trying to move on, trying to pick up the broken pieces of Me and continue to live. Do I have to thank The Sweetie for this? Maybe yes, maybe no.
We went out last time, and I was tempted to say something to him... something I know that would either make or break this so-called relationship. (Mariko, there is NO relationship. You very well KNOW that.) It's really very confusing in this stage --- you know that you're with him, you return his kisses, text him back with all those mushiness but don't really know where you stand. I am not really after a commitment with him... but I just want to know where we are and how long will this charade end. I am afraid to invest too much, because I know in the end he will just leave me --- like what the others did. I don't want to die as a broken-hearted motherfucker (good Lord, thanks I'm no longer a virgin! I'm not dying a virgin! Yey.) and I know that what we have will last.
Should I go on like this? I don't want to ask him, don't want to sound too eager, too expectant, too... toooo.. starting to fall. If there is a rope you can find, please tie me around a Banyan tree. Let me be in Nirvana instead.
And what is Nirvana? To ultimately reach my goal of being liberated from this crazy life.
And that is to ride on cable cars and reach for the tangerine stars.
Mariko, don't fall.

Heya no Gojuusan

Fresh catch.

I left my heart in Room 53 while Sinatra left his in San Francisco...
When all he gave you was nights of endless loving, and you returned his kisses. Where the sky, the sun and the sea met on a hill as rainclouds forged your emotions. Dreams are understated, memories do not fade quickly --- because as you come and go, the memoirs of those days linger on. How time flies so fast... the next thing you know you are hopping on a ferry on your way back to the city. Waves crash against the rocks, the hill where the elements met seem tinier in the distance, and what was left was an unanswered question of those endless nights spent in his embrace. How true? My heart was left and locked up in that room, forever untouched by no other. No love is spoken, nor guaranteed, but fate is sealed by just one kiss, and one man who lost my all. Tears are no longer the same... they are as salty as the sea but sounds like a bittersweet symphony, drowned in the cries of passion and marks of indecision. We are not both sure of our feelings for each other. You are right -- it was just an impulse of the moment... but how can I let go when all you gave was what I thought your all? I lost my senses, I lost my everything. I gave up my everything, but now I know that I am holding back. It was just a mere glimpse of utopia, and I don't want to get lost again.
What do your kisses mean? How can I not tell myself that I am wrong? What does your embrace show me? How can I not tell myself not to wake up from a dream that I know in the end would leave us both in pain?
Reality bites back to every illusion we swim into. You hold the key to that room.
I left my heart lying in there somewhere...

Kokomo

Bigger fonts, deeper colors. Welcome to my new blog appearance.
And pair that up with a not-so visible tan line, straight from the beach of Puerto Galera. Yes, my dear comrades and readers... as you might have all well known that I just came home from the beach, after bitching with my oh-so successful vacay and bikini wax. My long-term dream of wearing a G-string beaded green bikini and spending my day lounging around has finally came true --- except that the sun didn't show up (damn the eggs. damn the silly eggs i offered to Santa Clara. Might as well sacrificed a whole coop or ate live chicken. grrr.) for the first two days. And the nerve! Mister Sun showed up on the day that we are supposed to leave... so what did Miss Beach Bitch do? Swam, swam and swam some more.
I earned a tan line on the last day, but it faded when I got back to Manila which, by the way, left me an ugly darkened skin color. Think about my poor Japanese genes, arrrggghhh!! I envy Andre, though... he learned his lesson well for being a killjoy. The raw Korean slept all throughout our vacay while I was itching to commit suicide and drown myself in coco wine and Pringles. Not to mention that I was chanting my wicked incantations accompanied by a borrowed guitar some kind local lent me. Thank you, whoever the goddess of vacation is. (Uhhh Mariko... isn't that you? shut up. I know I'm a goddess... tee hee.)
Moral of the story: Don't over-massage your raw Korean vacay mate if you want some action. Don't eat too much breakfast in the buffet. No Shiatsu and Body oil required. Chocolate and whipped cream are plus factors.
How am I today? Good, and so I think. There are so many things that I wanted to discuss, wanted to confront after the beach thing. But for the meantime, I'll sae the yakkity yak later.
I'm gonna scrub my bikini line.

False Teeth and Fake Smiles

Smile?

I finally decided to make my fonts bigger, and my smile meaner.

And all because they were complaining that they are too small to read on the office computer. Yeah, damn my office coz they have MAC computers and flat LCD screens --- no wonder, we, the humble employees, are like this. No need to elaborate.

Today, I smiled again. Last night's dream was a blast. Final Fantasy meets Sailormoon --- Hentai version, starring yours truly. Don't laugh, I am NOT allowing any kind of disrespect while you are browsing through this sacred page and my beautiful, dimwit twin is staring at you with her perfect smile. Try if you can, or you'll be dead meat.

Back to smiling.

Yes, I smiled again today. Not the usual half-crazed half-half smile I have, but this time it's more genuine... all because of the perfect dream I had, reminiscent of old charms and lost innocence. It made me smile because I know what it is all about --- a prophetic vision of the not-so distant past and the future, boiling down to one thing: deception. When I woke up, I figured it right away that the kiss he gave me in my dream was in fact, the same kiss that Judas gave Jesus. No, I am not trying to say I am as kind-hearted and pure as Jesus is. All I'm trying to say is that I'm getting more and more sensible each day. I finally decided to make my smile mean. And meaner.

To flash my not-so pearly whites and grin like a Cheshire cat is not the ultimate reality. Reality is: I am bound to be deceived in the end, and playing my game is like playing their game. I'm not going to be on the losing end, boys. Reality is telling me that if I don't stop, I'll get hurt. Just like what it did to me how many years, how many months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds and milliseconds ago. And again, just as what I am barking back to Reality: I am not stopping. Not even if I already know that I am destined to fall.

I must admit. I, yours truly, am keeping two guys. Again, yes. But this time, it's different. Guy # 1 is an ex-boyfriend who I'm still in love with on days when I feel like it (like today). He is the recent bf whom I dumped not so long ago and was seriously deciding IF I'm still taking him back or no. Yesterday, I decided NO. This morning, I decided YES. But when I let him know --- he shunned me. The nerve!! If you are reading this, huney... Hindi ka kaguwapuhan noh. Hindi ka rin kawalan pero ewan ko... I still love you siguro. Maybe you're right. WE need some space to grow. I hate it when you do this to me. I know, I drove you crazy, but please don't drive me more insane. I don't want to end up in Ward 11.

There you go. His text messages still haunted me. I have nothing else to do, but smile. A mean mean mean smile.

Guy # 2 is a prospect. I don't really love him, methinks I'm just attracted because we are on the same page, and we share the same wavelength. There are times when I feel something for him but it's more of a challenge than of a commitment. We have sparks, yes. But these sparks are sometimes imaginary. I know that he likes me too. But there are always buts and what-ifs. I'm looking forward to the day when I'll get that BIG BIG CHANCE to prey on him. Prey, as in PREY. Go for the hunt, you wild mama! The only big question is how to deal with him after that. Should I go for the romance? Or should I keep the friendship?

He was the essence of my dream last night. And I know... he is my Judas, my Brutus, my traitor. But what the heck? I'll smile again. And this time, it's meaner.

Save the toothpaste for me. I need it to zap my zit.

Sakura's Fantasy

To my sister Sakura:

Betcha can't handle this. Enjoy.

Shower power... ooohh, stop it please.

Contemplating a Cup of Coffee

Have to get it in my blood. Urgent.
Haven't got a wink for the past 72 hours, my shift starts at 11pm, gotta wake up by 9pm and it's already past 5pm. Should I conclude then, that Insomnia is soon to follow?
If there is anything better than a 150mg worth of powderized Valium, please tell me. I'm turning into a wide-eyed, black-eyed half-Japanese living dead. Ready for Silent Hill 5 and be hunted by Buffy the Great. Oh, this is sooo shameful, shameful, shameful... am not the beautiful girl I used to, all because of this damn work, good gracious Venus help me! 911, please.
I've been fantasizing too much about that darn upcoming vacation. My period is not due soon, and I'd kill if it really ruins my plans. Sometimes, I hate being a girl. Already got swollen boobs, man... now where the hell is the stinky blood? Need my bloody thingie by Sunday, or else I'm gonna say bye bye to fun fun fun in the beach.
Bitch.
Gemme a good night's sleep will yah?! And STOP dreaming about sex. You must be fertile.

Coffee shop moments in Greenbelt 

Remixing "Ignition"

Sippin' on Coke and Rhum...
For the first time in how many weeks, I had a nightlife. Thank you, Buddha.
Watched movies with 2 of my most beloved guy friends and then we had a threesome party in some so-so motel in Sta. Mesa, in honor of the movie Alexander, starring Colin Farrell (my ex-hubby, btw) and Angelina Jolie as the mother-and-son tandem. Lotsa gay innuendos, believe me. Made me cringe and laugh at the same time during the entire show. Anyway, back to my original yakyak... I was the camerawoman (female version for a cameraman, duh.) and filmed my 2 gay-phobic friends doing it harharhar. Sounds crazy enough? Not for me. I haven't thought of anything crazier than this as of the moment, so I'll just give the readers out here to find out if I'm fibbing or not. Har. Har. Har.

If Andre and Mart would read this, I'll be dead. For broadcasting their sexual preference? Err. Whatever.

Had Coke & Rhum ( got tired already of frozen margie, and I don't wanna get sooo drunk anyway) and told stories over sisig and exchanged point of views on life in general, working in a hell of an office, dealing with heartaches and the next best thing to do after being ass-fucked by your bestfriend. Yum. Did not get drunk, as expected --- but felt tipsy anyhow. Got home intact, good gracious Lord, thanks and can't sleep. So here I am, typing my gritty fingers away and saying my mind out loud on pink Verdana fonts. Haven't gotten any winkie in the past 48 hours, help me God.
The Rhumcoke didn't help at all... except when I was in the digicaf and in the cab with my Korean-ish friend.
I want to update this blog more, but dunno how to. Can somebody tell me how? Tag me.

Gotta get a good night's sleep, methinks I'm in for a suicidal computer ride.
Remix Craig David's Ignition on the radio for me, please. Gonna be my lullabye for tonight.

Confusion and Song Dedications

Again, I am hoping.
I texted him, asking him if he is willing to meet me up on Monday. I was asking if he could return the things I left at his place --- and that includes my favorite Pink bra and Fossil watch. He said yes.

" are u home?"

"m here at red salon hvng a haircut. wasup?"

"la lang. wud u lyk 2 mit up on monday lunch? r u free?"

"yup. col u na lang wen m home"

"ok. ingatz "

"shud i bring ur things and ur money?" --- oh, yes... i have cash nga pala with him... it was supposed to be our life savings, which i was not religiously banking on.

"of course. m gonna w8 na lang 4 ur col. actually m thnkng dn of hvng a haircut. i wnt a shorter hair na eh." --- he hates it when i cut my hair short, harhar.

"cool. "

... and then, 5 hours have passed. no call, no text. i wouldn't dare call him up in his house, lest i sound up as overly eager. i intentionally did not turn off my call wait, just to make way for his call.
and then, what? i patiently wait. patience is an acquired virtue. sana maisip mo naman na may work pa ako mamaya at tumawag ka na at ng matapos na to diba.

no, i am patient. let me turn the MP3 on...
great, bic runga with sway. what else could me more terrific than waiting a recent ex-bf to call you and confirm your "date" and bic runga playing in the background?

Don't stray
Don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better Of me Sometimes
When you and I collideI fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don't let me drown
Let me downI say it's all because of you
And here I Go
Losing my Control
I'm practising your name
So I can say it
To your face it doesn't
Seem right
To look you in the eye
And let all the things
You mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time
Tell you whyI say it's
Infinitely true
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everythings turned inside outI
nstilling so much doubt
It makes me so tiredI feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten Every afternoon
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Say you'll Stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Its all because of you
Its all because of you
Now it all turns sour
Come sweeten
Every afternoon
It's time
Tell you whyI say it's
Infinitely true
Say you'll stay

Overdues and Garlic Breath

Smint, anyone?
No, thanks. I've had enough to rival the breath of the Close-up commercial model on TV. Just woke up, haven't had enough courage to get out of that darn bed. I'm soo soo soo late... have to catch up on a lot of things in life. I'm trying to move on, ladies and gents. Had my heart recently broken for the nth time last wednesday (was it?) and now, I'm trying to pick up the pieces again... yeah yeah yeah. Whatever you say, I don't care. Sounds mushy, but absolutely true. Correction, Raechie (she is my imaginary friend, by the way) --- it's not the sex that I'm after nor it's the boy's dick. It's the feel-good gummy yummy jelly well-o thing that envelops me when he hugs me tight and kisses me. Oh weelllll... 'nuf said. Too much mush will kill my already dead brain cells. I don't want to add more insult to the injury we both inflicted on each other. I don't want to be the next target of vegetarians rallying for the next best thing to do for double dead meat.
Yes, I'm trying to move on. When I went to sleep last night, my dream was almost empty, save for some flashbacks on those hot summer nights Mr M (yeah. let's call him Mr M, my recent ex-bf -- compliments from Marc Chua, aka Wushu) and I spent together. And oh... not only those hot summer nights, but the wet and wild nights as well. I'm not trying to fire up your sparky imaginations in here, but whatever it is you're thinking, you're sooo right about that. When I woke up today, I was thinking "Oh my Gad (as in OMG), don't tell me I've turned into a salivating bitch --er -- nymphomaniac over the past year??!? Yey." Whatever it is that made me like this, thank you. I've embraced my sexuality more openly and would gladly take Margie Holmes' job from Cosmo or Asia Agcaoili's spot on FHM. The only sad thing is that -- oh well -- I must admit. I MUST admit. I must admit that I loved the man, boo hoo.
I really did. It's a shocking revelation that even close friends would find hard to believe. I was always the eager predator, I stop at nothing, and go staright down to business. And I mean straight DOWN. As I always tell you, "It's not my fault if they fall in love with me." Well, dear bitch me, is it not your fault that you fell in love with them, too?
I'm trying hard to find the answers to the magic question (got the word from Leslie Tayao, thanks. nice term, babe) and I am now in the process of psychoanalyzing Me. I've always been open to relationships and kinky stuff (that includes role-playing, handcuffs, chocolate syrup and bondage) and promise myself ALWAYS not to get DEEPLY involved, but look where I am today. The player gets to be the target of her game, and in the end, nobody wins --- not even superlative Me. I want to change, I want to find the simpler things in life. Maybe, I've had too much of adventure early on in my life that now I'm trying to mellow down but I am very afraid of real commitments. It's more of fear and paranoia about relationships and because I don't see myself in the light, I always wind up in the dark, and it sucks big time. Help.
I met him while I was still in another relationship. Got to hang out with him, talk over on the phone and exchange stuff. He's not that good-looking, and he didn't even have any talents at all -- save for delayed ejaculation, harharhar. But for some peculiar reason, I found myself falling for him to the point that I abandoned my 4-year relationship just to be with him. I thought I could always get away, but not. My murky past still haunts me, and that includes my last boyfriend before him and a couple of other guys who have the hots for me (you don't want to be as beautiful and appealing like me, it's a pain in the ass... take it from the pro.) and that is always the gist of our arguments. Greek mythology tells Cupid's story --- that Love cannot live without Trust. We didn't trust each other enough because from the start, our relationship sprang from an illicit love affair. How exciting. But I'm too tired of the excitement. He tells me he loves me, I tell him I love him but love is never enough. I gave him my all, he gave his all and yet we still think that these all are never enough. There are days when I could feel his anger, but he never spat them out. I could just feel the venom in his kisses, the coldness in his eyes and the slump in his embrace. The way he makes love to me is no longer the same --- it's more of a routine, that sometimes I can't help thinking if he is just after my muscle control or what?! The anger became irrepressible, and when I think about it, I could not pinpoint where the hell did it come from anyway. I'm still wondering about it up to now.
Was I too clingy? Was I too lax? I could not tell. I asked Mr M not to be too dependent on me, and he gave me much space which I didn't need. I want to shout at him and tell him "I'm a Buddhist, dammit! Give me some moderation!" but no, I didn't. I tried to communicate, shed off my mask and be honest with him, but it would always be a trust issue. He would always think I am up to something, that sometimes, just to satisfy his paranoia, I really make up something -- of course, which makes him more suspicious. Pathetic.
I loved him, yes, how I loved him. There were nights when I would cry myself to sleep all because of the stupid things we got ourselves into. Too much love kills, and we can never bring back the love we used to have. We might go on trying forever, but forever will just pass away because of too much trying. Love is dead, hatred is born and trust never existed. I can still look him straight in the eye and tell him how much I loved him, but for now, I am apathetic. I cried for 2 straight days, wallowing in misery and heartache but for all the pain and emptiness I went through, I feel numb.
I tried to cry last night. I forced myself to cry, but not even a single drop of tear would fall. I tried assessing my feelings, but for the first time in my life I was completely able to shut off any emotion. I could not assess anything, save for the good memories we had that I know I would always live by on nights when I feel empty. I know that there will be some nights in the future when I would end up crying myself again to sleep for no reason, but as of today, I'll gently pull the covers up my chin and say a prayer for him --- that he may find his happiness, along with the love he always deserves.
I'm not bitter, no I am not. I try to sound one, to make it more realistic that I came from a break-up but I could feel no bitterness inside of me, only regrets that I didn't make the best out of it. But for all the things we went through and all the experiences we shared, I never regret them at all. It was all happy and fun and sad and crazy, but they were definitely the best times of my life.
I am so overdue. I have to pay my bills to Karma and pass my homework to Zen. I miss him, and today I feel like crying for the first time again after friday night. But I'm still thinking about it. I'll save my tears for the next Juday movie and munch on Garlic sticks.

Poems on Nights Like This...

Not even Neruda can take this away.
On nights like this, I want to cry. I want to shout at the top of my lungs and tell the world how stupid I am for being Me. No, not that I have regrets for existing, but regrets for things I didn't do.
First of all, I am a sucker for love (fuck this "L" word!)...
And here I am, always hurting in the end. Classic. I lost my 4th love tonight, and I could go on blabbering about how stupid he is, or how stupid I am for this yadadadadaddadadaa...
I can always take Neruda in, anytime.

Tonight I Can Write

by Pablo Neruda

Tonight, I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,

`The night is starryand the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.

How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her.

To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.

And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing.

In the distance.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.

My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night, whitening the same trees.

We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's.

She will be another's.

As she was before my kisses.

Her voice, her bright body.

Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms,

my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain she makes me suffer

and these the last verses that I write for her

Nothing Plastic, It's Fantastic...

I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie World...


You can touch my hair, undress me everywhere...
Arrrrrggghhhh!!! Like, can you stop playing that song in the background?! I'm having my LSS (Last Song Syndrome) in here. Stop it... Stop it... Stop it... Sto..wait. Barbie looks kinda cute in her lavender and pink costume, watchathink? Looks good on my blog, harharhar. Okay, what's the next line of the song...? Come on Barbie, let's go party, uh uh uh yeah~~~ (or should it be "cum on barbie, let's go parteeeehhh... uuuuhhh uhhhh uhhh... yyeaaaahhh ~~~")

Munching on Zen Biscuits

Crunch. Crunch.
And so the biscuit goes. This is another of my half-baked ziti musings on achieving Nirvana through a non-tantric approach. Just like a living Me --- a half-half whatever amalgamation of Oriental aspects there are. Try to be silent... I'm contemplating on washing the grime off my face and beating my sister to the last chocolate bar on the fridge. I'm also indulging in a not-so-helpful self-help book that my Mom picked on the stand. Great. Please, don't give another lecture on "being happy and satisfied with what you have" and "keeping the simple things in life simpler" coz I ain't gonna buy that shit anymore -- not unless if you have anything new to tell me, or better yet... tell me how to "zen-sitise" my insensitive life.
Yeah, maybe I'll have the regular karma cookies next time.

Man-eater on the prowl. Proceed with Caution.
Just when I thought it's gonna be over, I found out it's just the beginning.
Welcome to the world of an unrelentless bitch on the prowl... let's just call her Mariko.
Mariko is absolutely the nemesis of every girl who was dumped and duped by every living parasite in the world that taxonomists name as "man /boy". She thought she had it coming, thought that she could get away with everything, thought that nothing can pin her down. But one day, on the way to another seeming bout of euphoria, she was stopped short. By whom? Nobody exactly knows. Not even Mariko knows.
We all assumed that it's gonna be the last time we'd ever hear about that crazy bitch's adventures, but just when we stopped and realized it's over soon, we were proved wrong. It was only just the beginning.
Snakes catch and bite on each other's tails. For every death, there is a thousand births. The journey does not end on the destination, it starts when you reach the island of your dreams. And well, a bitch's life does not end here.