Cable Cars and Tangerine Stars

Woke up this morning, I was staring at the ceiling cracks...
Yeah, like I was singing Comfort in Your Strangeness by Cynthia A. Today is a neutral day... after having three days of lounging around in the house and doing nothing (ohhh... correction... I had a shagfest last Tuesday. Ok. So I wasn't lounging all throughout my days off, after all... *snickers*) I am finally going to work tonight. Wish me luck. I am going to see my lovely officemates again plus The Sweetie. (officially let me give him the nickname of The Sweetie for our sake of identifying the damn guy) And of course, don't forget the infamous Priority Crap members, ho-hum.
The Sweetie. It's like munching on battery-operated tangerine-flavored cable wires. YUM. (yeah, he's yummy... know what?!?! Sorry, can't disclose any information in here about my sex life since you've had enough from my previous postings, harharhar.) I can't really put into words -- and writing, for that matter-- how I feel about him. Last time we watched Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason and he was holding my hand. For Pete's and Judas' sake, forgive me but I can't help thinking about Mr M... that it could've been him sitting next to me and was the one holding my hand. My thoughts about the recent ex-bf quickly faded when The Sweetie smiled at me. Okaaaaayyyyy... so much for Mr M. I've got The Sweetie for the meantime. FOR THE MEANTIME.
And that, my dear friends is the hullahbalullah question that is fucking the bullshit out of my asshole. I asked Raechie (my imaginary friend, by the way... of course you all well know Raechie, ne?) "What's next to fuckness?" and she told me, "Nada. Go with the flow." Yeah right. Go with the flow. As if he feels something for me too... I dunno. I really dunno. I mean, he's sweet and everything (yeah, he's sweet down there too nyahahahhaa!!! that's why he earned the title "Sweetie", lol.) but emotions-wise... I am really at a loss in here. Help?
He makes me feel special, but on nights when I think about it, I can't help wondering if what he is showing me is true. It must just be Maya, or illusion, and I can't help thinking if it was just born out of obligation because I kissed him (note: I Kissed Him. If you see him, don't tell him I told you. I'm not a Kiss and Tell... I just KISS and WRITE. Got it? There's a big difference, even in the spelling, harhar) or if he is just careful not to hurt my emotions. Damn emotions. Why can't humans fuck without having to go through a series of mental notes and endocrinal mechanications in the hypothalamus? Dang. I wish I was a dog. Dog Dog Dog Doggy.
Am I falling? I asked Mikage if I was, he just clucked his tongue and told me "Hala ka." Yang is here, I tell her everything but I really can't decipher the encrypted codes that are written all over me. Am I falling? I don't want to.
I don't want to (Fuck you Yang, stop singing!!!) fall because I am honestly tired of going through the heartaches all over again. I love the feeling of being in love, but with The Sweetie... well... I like him. I like him a real lot and I do miss him. I miss the way he looks at me, the way he holds my hand, the way he kisses me and the way his arms encircle me... as if he'd never let me go. Please I don't want to fall. Not now. Not now.
And I still think of Mr M... I still do. But the way I see it, he's happy right now, living his own life and he's adjusted well without me. I am sincerely happy for him, and if he is contented like this, then it's good enough for me. I am trying to move on, trying to pick up the broken pieces of Me and continue to live. Do I have to thank The Sweetie for this? Maybe yes, maybe no.
We went out last time, and I was tempted to say something to him... something I know that would either make or break this so-called relationship. (Mariko, there is NO relationship. You very well KNOW that.) It's really very confusing in this stage --- you know that you're with him, you return his kisses, text him back with all those mushiness but don't really know where you stand. I am not really after a commitment with him... but I just want to know where we are and how long will this charade end. I am afraid to invest too much, because I know in the end he will just leave me --- like what the others did. I don't want to die as a broken-hearted motherfucker (good Lord, thanks I'm no longer a virgin! I'm not dying a virgin! Yey.) and I know that what we have will last.
Should I go on like this? I don't want to ask him, don't want to sound too eager, too expectant, too... toooo.. starting to fall. If there is a rope you can find, please tie me around a Banyan tree. Let me be in Nirvana instead.
And what is Nirvana? To ultimately reach my goal of being liberated from this crazy life.
And that is to ride on cable cars and reach for the tangerine stars.
Mariko, don't fall.