Kissing 2004 Goodbye

Flirt Flirt Flirt!!

Happy New Year! Another year to live by...
And as what I have previously disclosed, I spent New Year's Eve at the office, with a headset pinning my ears to my head. I felt disappointed, unexcited and extremely anxious as the clock struck twelve and everybody was like wishing each other a happy new year. As if we'd have one, sigh. I'm still not soooo over with my love life, as it continuously drives me to the brink of insanity. Where the hell am I supposed to be in this year? Still another wanderer, indulging in my wanderlust and wandering in the vast expanse of dating (and mating). For short --- I am still at a lost.
Okay, so I have a job, I have friends and I have a so-called bf... or so I think. Whatever. The past few days before New Year have been tremendously stressful for me, considering that: a.) My Mom and I fought again. What's new... we always do. It's New Year and we're not on speaking terms. b.) I'm still in the confused stage with The Sweetie, although he's been acting reallllyyyy weird lately, but I don't really want to assume. I'm on the process of really hating him. Really. c.)Starfish is getting herself into some mess and I think I'm gonna be next. d.) I'm planning on moving out of my parents' house because they really are driving me nuts and I don't want them to find out that I'm "on the way" and I am so short of cash. And that's reason number five. Or Letter E. Whichever comes first.
Watched the fireworks from our office and can't help thinking of jumping out of the window. I was joking Leslie to come with me and commit suicide as the revelry starts at midnight... Mart just laughed and said it's really a Japanese thing, but deep down inside I AM FUCKING SERIOUS. Lately, I feel unhappy and unloved and taken for granted by people. I'm just paranoid, maybe. Or maybe I'm so damn right. It's so hard to be always on the giving end.
Giving what? Giving love that is unrequitted, giving everything for every thing that would not guarantee me anything at all. Giving unconditionally my self to someone whom I don't think will ever love me --- presently, or in the future. I think that I am just a toy. A fucking toy, a little dress-me-up-doll you can play with then leave anywhere when you're tired. Life is really hard, and it becomes harder every time. What keeps me surviving is the hope that someday, somehow... everything will be alright. And just how I wish.
The problem is with me. I know. I'm just too complicated, and I like to make my life as complicated as me. And I run too deep and careless and self-sacrificing and too emotional. And of course, I always end up being hurt. For the past year, there have been so many things that happened to me --- things that shaped my understanding of life and my future for this year. It's been one helluva year... and I loved it so well, even though some things didn't turn out right, but for me... every thing was great. Things happened for a reason, and to teach me valuable life lessons. Lessons like not playing with people's emotions and karma is just around. Friends come and go, and only the good and true ones remain. Love is never enough to stay in a relationship, and although it hurts a lot you have to sacrifice and let go. It's not easy loving somebody who doesn't love you back, and if you do, then it's true love. Familiarity breeds too much contempt. Always use protection when having sex coz you'll never know when the stork will visit you. You can tell a guy's thoughts and feelings about you when you kiss him. Etc. Etc.
But what is the best thing I learned so far?
Live, love, give and live again. Lifes too short to waste on unimportant matters, so grab every opportunity you can get. Carpe diem. For tomorrow, we die.
And I'll be kissing 2004 goodbye, with tears, heartaches, smiles and joys of all my life.
Hello, 2005.
Happy New Year.