Bring my heart back

Everyday seems more and more hopeless.

Where is the drive? Where is the old Mariko I used to know? She was hidden somewhere out there, in the stacks of boredom and ecstasy piled high in a room of probabilities and impossibilities. I can't believe that all of this is happening to me right now --- suddenly, I am at a lost. I don't know where I am going, what am I doing and who the hell I really am.

Yeah, fuck it. Fuck it badly, man.

What do I really want to do? It's like Shakespeare's "To be or not to be" line, and in this crossroad that I am trying to traverse, I cannot hit two birds with one stone.

Let's start off with the biggest shock of my life:

Today, I visited one of my friends' blog. It has been quit some time since I last posted something here so I was damn excited to browse, browse and browse. And lo and behold! HE posted something in the tagboard of the dear ol' friend. Fuck, man. The last thing I wanted is for him to find out about THIS blog. I don't want him to know how I feel. Princess Tutu, some shit this is! And who's the "Angelica" who posted something on the tagboard? Uh-oh. I don't wanna be paranoid, but it's eating me up...

Next ---

I'm resigning. Good Lord Gracious, I want my ass out badly on that goddamn company. Lord, I know I'm not a good girl but please don't let me stay in that hell anymore. I've had enough mental, emotional and physical torture and the last thing I wanted is to let my dreams crumble away in the fires of that office. Dante's Inferno would be put to shame by that company. I still haven't talked to Dear Miss Team Manager yet, and I do hope she agrees.
Every day that I have a shift, I have to literally drag myself out of bed. And I always don't feel good. The demons in that office are worse than I am. Please please please I want to be out. As much as possible, I want to be out NOW.

Little Sweetie.

The darn little munchkin is eating me up alive! I developed this habit of watching those cheesy soaps in Channel 2 and believe me, it must be those raging hormones that drive my tears to above sea level. There are times when I hate Little Sweetie, but there are times when I would succumb to the thought of taking care of him and cherishing him. Well, I think it depends on the way the father treats me. And speaking of which, lately I don't think that he treats me okay. I understand that he has more important things to do than sit up, cuddle up and do those fuzzy wuzzy shit but oh well.

How long would you sacrifice, Mariko? You've always been the self-sacrificing devil that you are, always believing in ever-afters and silver stars. Moonbeams are not from the moon, my dear. And don't expect that all the missing pieces of your lost heart will be returned to you. If you must, you should continue living alone and dance in the infinite sadness of the song that plays in your head.

I don't know where all this is leading to. Maybe he already knows. I wanted to prove that I am strong, but deep inside I am weak. My strength comes from the knowledge that I must continue to fight, half the battle is not yet won. This is just the beginning, and I already lost myself completely.

Bring me back my heart.