So much for job hunting. Yesterday, I broke my Sweetie's heart and it felt oh so bad.
I already mentioned that I am resigning and I'm tagging him along as well, ne? Well, doomsday is about to come (I call it more of Salvation Day, harhar) and of course we have to have a job ASAP -- y'know, responsibilities, responsibilities! So off we went to Dear Old Mommy and asked for referral. We applied in this big tough pharmaceutical firm, without realizing and knowing what we are getting ourselves into. Of coursed, we passed the qualifying exam (with a combined IQ of 140? who are you kidding, hehe!) and we already passed the 2 sets of interviews. This company is really tough, and we still have to go through a total of 4 interviews -- and so far we already went through the 3rd interview. Was it a blast? I think so, for me. But not for him.
He thought he blew it. I'm really frustrated and sad and depressed for him, but I didn't know what to do. He keeps on blaming himself for being such a bummer at the interview and I couldn't help but be disappointed. I wanted to poke my little index finger at him and tell him that he should be more optimistic and pleasant, but I couldn't. God, how I wanted to console him, put my arms around him and tell him it's going to be ok. But I can't. I just kept quiet all throughout because I know that one wrong line would totally snuff him out. Arrrrrrggghhhh. So much for being idealistic me.
Can't help but blame myself, either. In the first place, I was the one who prodded him to try this out and put my Mom's name as his reference because I know she's a bigshot in the industry and would help him somewhat but turns out the other way. This company has this sick policy that if you're married and both employed with them, one has to go. They can't help scrutinizing the fact that we're "lovers" and jumps into this stupid conclusion that we're gonna marry somehow (which is wishful thinking for me, *chuckles*). Anyway, I think it's partly Sweetie's fault too because when asked how he knew my mom, he told them it's his girlfriend's mother. Damn. If this was another case, I'd be more than happy to accept the fact that he finally had the guts to tell others that (and that would put an end to my eternal question: Where do I stand?) but this is anotehr case. When he informed me what he told them, I didn't know what to say, how to react. I was happy, yes, but I know the truth: I am never his girlfriend and he would never love me. And it would always boil down to the fact that I, Mariko, am just another of his passing fancy. Bullshit.
What was my motive? Why did I tag him along? I wanted him to build a career, wanted to get him a job so he would be able to make his ends meet. I wanted to help him, and let him succeed in life. Nevermind about me. I know I could always fend for my self, but before I go, I wanted him to be in A-ok condition. I wanted to be sure that I'll be leaving him perfectly fine and doing great in his life.
Sigh.
We ended up having dinner in G-belt and talked about it. Talked about some things as well, and perspectives on love and life. Can't help getting hurt from what I knew, but life must go on. I already resigned myself to the fact that after a few months from now I will be a part of his past. Another girl of his past. Another passing fancy, another one who loved him so well.
At least, I got to know him as him. At least, even for just a short time I was able to love him... at least I got Little Sweetie. It doesn't matter to me now where this road will lead us to, but I'll just savor each and every moment I am with him.
The time will come when I have to go. And I shouldn't cry --- again.
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